Today is only Tuesday. I had a beautiful weekend. I've had a good start to the week. Usually Monday through Wednesday are my 'really good' and 'very healthy' detox days where I don't touch alcohol, eat exactly as I'm supposed to and exercise just as I would like. Thursday Dean and I go to a wine tasting after Ashtanga class (it's free and right across the street!) and then the weekend is usually varying degrees of healthy and up for grabs.
I guess I should point out that my 'up for grabs' is probably not as bad as average. As far as meat goes, I only eat fish, I avoid oil, the only dairy that I haven't been able to give up completely is cheese and I do my best to avoid sugar (yes, I know that alcohol is sugar). I bike everywhere, weather permitting, I run every day except Thursday and I get to yoga at least four times a week for my own practice. I do my best to get 8 hours of sleep. I realize, that my 'being bad' usually involves cheese, wine and chocolate. Maybe a seafood whole wheat pasta dish. Mmmmmmm....
Today was a nice day. It was a beautiful day. I have a long day tomorrow, 4:45am rise time, four classes to teach, two commercial auditions after and they are back to back. I will have to pack clothes for the auditions as well as a spare set for my second set of classes in the event that I'm able to shower in between the first two and second two (I do my own workout in between my 6am and 8:30am classes). The weather is looking iffy. "Thunderstorms around." I need to bike in order to get to my first audition on time after my final class. So, really, getting home, cleaning up, going to yoga and going to bed was the way to success.
Except I didn't feel like it.
I really didn't feel like it. I made myself go outside on the back porch and sit in the sun and meditate for five minutes. I set a timer. (Meditation is really difficult for me when I'm not moving, I'm working on it.) After the five, I put on a guided meditation for another six minutes. It was on compassion. When it got to the part about thinking about everything you like about yourself, one of the things that came up was "I get things done" and my eyes instantly began to water. I began to instantly get sad because what was I doing? Trying to skip out on a yoga class that I had planned because it was a nice day outside? You can't do that all the time. If you skip workouts and practices every time you don't feel like it you'll never get them done. The meditation asked me to sit for a few minutes with my feelings after it had ended. (I was supposed to be feeling happy and grateful.) I did.
I realized that I do not let myself off the hook very easily. I have very high standards for myself (something that I've been realizing in the past few years) and I don't accept my own failure or shortcomings as easily as I accept those of anyone else in my life. I began just doing my own sun salutations on the back porch.
After a few minute of just basic Sun A, I began to organically move into my own Sun B variations. Whatever felt good, whatever I felt like holding. I remember my face in the sun and thinking about how yoga was traditionally practiced facing east... toward sunrise, but I really enjoyed my own "almost sunset" backwards yoga. It wasn't until I was looking at my husband from underneath my own standing splits (I was blocking the door, he couldn't get in) that I came back to where I was. I finished the other side of the sequence that I had made while he waited patiently and then hopped to a malasana so he could get by. (I wasn't done.) I also my have asked if he could put my bike away for me. (I had left it locked to the gate rather than in the basement as a further impetus to get my ass to class.)
I finished my little practice (I did wish for a mat for my spontaneous tripod headstand on the deck) and my savasana and went inside.
I realized that I didn't 'not feel like doing yoga' I just really really didn't want to be inside on a beautiful day when I was going to be fighting the rain all day the next day. This day was not going to happen again.
I'm happy for having it and I'm happy for trying to be gentle with myself.