Making friends in the cautious 20s

I feel like friendships have evolved over the past year and a half. Just like everything else, I suppose, and we’ve had to find our way around it.

Ahhh, 2019, when you just made friends in the pool like the other kids.

For me, I think this has meant being a little braver and more vulnerable in order to grow new friendships. And maybe a little more persistent in order to keep some old ones maintained. I’ll elaborate.

Back in June, Dean and I, along with the rest of the world, thought that we were slowly nearing the end of the pandemic and that maybe we could plan a big party, gather good friends, friends we hadn’t seen in a year and maybe some people that we wanted to become better friends with and get them all in a big festive bunch at our house. 

This is how I remember making friends. You get together in a big group for a play, to punch each other in martial arts, or a mutual friend’s party and you hit it off and eventually become better friends. Or maybe you live close and you just start hanging out at your neighbor’s place a lot and vice versa.

We had to cancel the party. With the Delta variant doing what it’s doing, we just couldn’t in good conscience bring a bunch of people together like that, even if everyone was vaccinated. Some had young kids at home, or elderly people that they saw often and with people back at work and moving around more, it just wasn’t something we felt good about. We decided we’d eventually have smaller groups of vaccinated people together. Like we were doing before.

In spite of this, we have made and grown friendships.

I’ve grown closer with a couple of girls in my writers group, for instance. We’ve been virtual since just prior to lockdown, but have been writing together weekly for that entire time. Seeing each other in person and starting to get to know each other ‘beyond writing’ has taken a little more guts than normal. There’s no organically hanging out at the coffee shop to chat after everyone else slowly starts to leave, or getting there a little early and hitting it off. It’s taken, “hey, would you like to come over sometime and just … hang? We can be safe and sit outside or …”

I had one friend flat out tell me that I was her best friend in the city. How brave! Giving someone the ‘best friend’ status usually takes me years. Her saying that freed me up to contact her and invite her to things without embarrassment or hesitation. I.E. “Hey, do you want to get together on Fridays and lift weights and then drink wine?” Or just texting, “I miss you, what have you been up to?” 

Dean saw that one of my friends was doing a lemonade stand with her kids one weekend. I had work to do, but he said he thought he might go out there and buy a glass and ‘be a good friend.’ She lives a good distance away, so he hung out in their little outdoor set up for a bit. Shortly after that, my friend’s husband got Dean’s number, texted him and asked him if he was interested in going to see Star Trek with him. Basically asking him out on a friend date. They chatted back and forth via text and then bought tickets and set a date. Both Dean driving out by himself and his new friend just making the jump and inviting him out. 

Dean chilling at the lemonade stand. (Photo by Melissa.)

One of my students who has been coming to my classes for a while, even when we were masked and socially distant, has talked for a while about an outdoor volleyball team that he played on. This year, he sent me an Instagram message and asked if I was interested in joining. I just said yes. I don’t know how to play volleyball. But it seems like a good way to be social, outside, once a week and do something that isn’t sitting around inside and drinking or zooming. I’m not sure it’s something I would have said yes to a year ago.

I’ve been contacting my older friends, asking if they want to get on a zoom or just talking a walk and calling them. One of my favorite things to do lately is to ask them to exchange Spotify playlists. You get new music and then you get to talk to your friends about their music. Bonus, you don’t have to coordinate a time where you’re both available to do this. 

I think one thing this time has taught me is not to be worried when I ask someone if they want to do something. If they don’t have time or aren’t interested, no big deal, most of the time the rejection isn’t personal. But most of the time, people are ready to connect. I’ve found it really fun and enriching.