Self worth, self doubt and another certification.
In 2019, I have experienced:
Selling property for the first time.
Creating a successful business in Chicago, teaching self defense, yoga and martial arts privately and for the first time ever having people call ME to get appointments.
Recognizing, getting help for, and beating SAD.
Taking four online college courses (just for funsies) in Business with a concentration in Marketing, averaging a 4.0 when I stopped.
Finishing my second novel. (First as an adult.)
Receiving my first promotion to a management position in Fitness.
Uprooting everything and moving to Nashville.
Starting my part time GM job in the first LifeStart location in Nashville.
Having to move again immediately when our place caught fire the day after our condo in Chicago closed and we finished unpacking.
Purchasing my first car.
Celebrating Dean getting a job. Also getting another part time job at Title Boxing.
Making new friends.
Taking the NASM CPT test and passing on the first try.
Being flashed on a run and making a police report before breakfast.
Running my first race in Nashville and my first 10k since my injury.
Attending my first writers conference.
Taking the ACE Certified Health Coach test and passing on the first try.
Now. When you look at that list, you would never think that I had more varying identity crises and vacillated so wildly from self doubt to self confidence than during the last one, would you?
I have done a lot this year and I am pleased with those accomplishments, desirous of more and I also have a pretty good grasp on which ones are mountains and which are molehills. I think.
I get very intense when studying for big certifications. This is not new. It’s not new to me, it’s not new to Dean. (By now, he’s a pro at managing me and helping us survive during these times.) I prefer classroom learning much more because there is some feedback and an opportunity to ask questions and get answers from a live individual as you go. I’m fairly good at self motivation and self discipline, so I’m not bad at online learning, but after four months of studying for NASM and then immediately studying for ACE for the following four, I was burnt out. I also had a very real fear of failure.
No one else did. This was the most interesting thing. Every other person who knew me, even remotely, knew that I was going to pass. My housekeeper at the gym, who I see for a half hour every other day when we switch shifts, said with complete confidence this morning (please imagine this in his Jamacian accent), “You will pass. You are a smart lady. No problem.” My client this morning, “E-mail me when you pass and enjoy dinner tonight.” (Because I told him Dean had promised to take me out to dinner when if I passed.)
Dean was basically awesome and made sure that I had dinner and that we had clean clothes the entire time.
Here’s the thing: I did not know that I was going to pass. I tried my hardest and did my very best, yes, but some of this content was frustrating me. I literally disagreed flat out with some of the nutrition stuff. (Hopefully when the HHS and the USDA come out with new nutrition guidelines in 2020, they’ll be more aligned with reality, but we all know that the government filters these guidelines because people with money *cough* dairy *cough* lean on them.) And there were a lot of math equations, which did all get into my head eventually. My problem with math is that I need to understand it on a ‘why does this work this way’ level and I can’t just memorize it.
Because of my work schedule, another required training that I have to attend in the coming weeks, and the times and days the test was offered, I had two options when I went to sign up ten days ago. I could either take it on October 10th or October 31st. I had really wanted to take it somewhere in the middle, but unless I was willing to take an unpaid day off of work, that just wasn’t an option. Halloween seemed too far away, I wanted it done. I knew I was burning out. I chose October 10th and buckled down.
As the time neared, I was taking the practice tests and rereading the sections I missed over and over. I was getting better. I was passing the practice tests every time, but I wasn’t getting them 100%. And I was sure that the actual questions were going to be harder than the practice ones. I really began to worry that I might not get a passing grade. Not only would that stink because I would have to pay for a retest, but also because I would be stuck in this studying purgatory for a longer period of time. And also… who was I if I didn’t pass?
During the actual exam, there were points at which I actually thought, “Oh, my god, there is no way I’m passing this. Everyone is going to be shocked. I’m the person who gets shit done. I’ve never failed a test. I make things happen. What if that’s not really me?” I would almost cry, pull myself together and focus on the questions again. I had other moments were I was thinking, “I am killing this. Was that really an exam question? Anyone would know that.” Huge swings. Why?
You’re given three hours for the test. I finished in just under two. I did pass. I was thrilled and relieved. The test was a tough one, no denying that, but I think that NASM was tougher. I also think I was slightly more prepared for the NASM exam. I also felt that failure was a very real possibility for that exam, but wasn’t questioning my personal self-worth so much during it, as nervous as I was. Why was that?
The NASM CPT exam is notoriously difficult and it is well known that many people don’t pass on the first try. (The pass rate is 65%.) I actually met two people who had failed their first tries. Although, of course, I didn’t want to fail, I think I felt like it would have been understandable if I had. There were also tons of videos online of people who had passed and what they had done to study. There was even an app for crissakes.
There wasn’t as much out there for the ACE Health Coach exam. Partially because I don’t think as many people have taken it as have taken any of the personal trainer exams. It’s a newer field. I also think just because of what it is, it is viewed as an easier certification. As I said, I do think that my NASM was more difficult, but this certification was by no means a walk in the park. I also believe that a lot of the material was a little more subjective and situational, which is a little more difficult to learn unless it comes instinctively.
Me, after biking home from the exam and showering off. I literally exhaled in relief as I took this picture. I decided to keep it just as is with no filters or edits.
In short, I’ve still never failed a test. Apparently no one aside from myself really thought that I would fail. I did have one friend, however, when I was in the depths of my self doubt, who said, “If you don’t pass, THAT IS OKAY. You’ll take a few days, regroup, and decide whether you want to try again. You will remain the coolest. You will be smart. You will be sexy. REGARDLESS. And all of us will love you. And you will be exactly the same worthwhile fabulous person, either way. I get wanting to ace it, and I get being nervous. But it’s going to be alright. Either way.” And that was something that I told myself during the test when I had my freak out moments. I am still me. I will still be me and everything will be fine if this all goes wrong.
Looking back, it seems really silly that I was so wrapped up in it. That passing or failing was an indicator to myself that was or was not the capable, intelligent, accomplished person that I believe myself to be. It was surreal. It was also surreal how everyone else around me had an unshakable faith that I would pass it, even when I didn’t believe it myself. It was an interesting look at myself from both the inside and outside. Apparently I come off as much more accomplished than I feel sometimes. And I think that’s okay.