Still here....

I had been working on a post all about settling in.  It’s long, but there’s no through line, there’s no form to it.  I tried to add to it once, maybe twice this week, but things got away from me.  That’s been happening a bit. I could have finished it last night, which was my plan.  I was going to get in there and find the substance and make it less like a diary entry.  I didn’t.

There were important things that happened yesterday.  My first early day at work, two private sessions with new clients.  My parents also visited me briefly after work. (Yay!) I did laundry.  I had a two hour phone call with a friend and then I went to bed.

These are all good things that I need.  I still am feeling a little unmoored. I am happy.  I worked really hard for a long time to get here, things are going well.  I just feel…

I’m trying to get back into the swing of things.  I have been keeping a consistent sleep schedule and a consistent workout schedule.  I have been going to work, learning a lot, working hard and then coming home and studying for my certification.  Learning a lot and working hard. I’ve kept up with daily meditation.

Journaling has been sporadic.  My meal plan is non-existent. I’ve done one physical yoga practice at home.  I miss teaching and have sent applications to two places, but haven’t been pounding the streets or getting guest passes.  My writing has really taken a hit.

Sunset over Percy Priest Reservoir.

Sunset over Percy Priest Reservoir.

I’ve been telling myself that once I have my desk and my computer back, writing will get easier.  Once I’ve got a dresser to put my clothes in and I can easily find what I want, I’ll feel more organized.  Once I have an actual bed back I won’t wake up so often. Once Dean’s here I’ll get on a consistent eating schedule. Once Jake is here I won’t come to and find out that I’ve just been sitting in one position with thoughts spinning around in my head for an untold amount of time.  Cats have a way of keeping you present when they’re around.

But how much of this is fact and how much of it is excuses that I’ve made up?  Or am I being to hard on myself? It’s difficult to tell. I can’t see the forest.

I know it’s only been a week and I tell myself that I need a little time to adjust and that Mercury is in retrograde, after all.  But it worries me. I was having trouble stopping my brain last night. I did a meditation before bed.

Where was this person that I have always been, with so much drive and direction?  I make things happen. I get things done. I don’t ‘just’ do enough to get by. Where am I?  Where’s my little center?

As I meditated, the answer came.  “I’m still here. I’m just taking a break.”  I fell asleep.

Meredith LyonsComment