I came home from work on Wednesday very tired. More tired than usual and told Dean that I was going to take a nap on the couch before my last virtual class of the day. I thought I would lay down for 20 minutes, then get up and do some work, then teach. I ended up passing out for an hour, waking up just in time to set up for the class.

I had work to do after class, but was still very tired and started to get a mild headache while talking to Dean at around 8:30pm. I decided it was time for me to just start heading towards bed, where I ended up about an hour later. A pretty normal bedtime for me.

This is our family New Years Eve photo, which I think is incredibly appropriate for the end of 2020. Also, I don’t have any pictures of me with a headache.

I woke up at 2am with a headache. It didn’t seem too bad, so I took a couple of ibuprofen and went back to bed. The headache didn’t go away. I remembered an article I had read the day before about a small percentage of people in their 40s - 60s who, after surviving very mild cases of COVID, experience unexplained psychosis later on. No one knows why yet, but the theory is that the virus passes through the blood brain barrier in those cases. I also knew that headaches were sometimes an early symptom.

For a good chunk of time, I tortured myself with the idea that I had somehow gotten COVID during Christmas, that I was going to be one of those people who had headaches for months afterwards, and maybe even that I would develop psychosis. What if I tried to kill the kittens before I got help? I googled COVID headache symptoms, but mine didn’t really match the ‘entire head pressure’ that was being described. I considered caffeine withdrawal.

I have been trying to back off of caffeine, but did have it just about every day during the week of Christmas because, yay, Christmas! I didn’t have it Wednesday at all. Normally I get a good day and a half to two days without a headache even at the worst of times, but who’s to say? So I got up and made myself some green tea. I read a book while it steeped and while I drank it, then I tried to go back to sleep. The headache didn’t go away. Normally with a caffeine headache, it goes away as soon as I have taken the first gulp of coffee or tea.

I am back to fretting that I have COVID and lamenting my impending insanity and/or death. Why didn’t I buckle down and get the last edit of my manuscript done? Why did I work so often and not spend more time on the things I enjoy? Why did I even bother planning for the future when I’m just going to die? I grabbed the phone again and started googling all kinds of headaches.

The one that was consistently matching my symptoms (which had worsened) was a migraine. I get migraines regularly and I know my triggers. I had not had any red wine since Christmas. I wasn’t due to start my period for at least ten days. My migraines usually come in the late morning or early afternoon. Never have they woken me up in the middle of the night before. What’s the deal? I keep searching.

Apparently there’s a thing called Afternoon Migraines that start later. There’s even a thing about the ones that wake you in the middle of the night. According to internet lore, they’re usually the result of stress.

But I’m not stressed. I say to myself. I then begin to think about all of the ways in which I’m mildly stressed, which most likely add up to being stressed out enough for a middle of the night migraine.

The holidays. They’re always a little bit stressful, but usually it’s well rehearsed, well managed eustress. Cramming in parties and shopping for gifts. Planning visits out of town and gift exchanges with friends. Getting things done at work before everyone takes off for vacations. That’s the normal stuff. This year it was more like, “well, I’ve had to go work in public every day since June, but traveling to see my family may be dangerous to myself and those that I care about. What a paradox! All the work with none of the usual fun.” I never make decisions lightly, so of course Thanksgiving and Christmas were agonized over and stressed about before, during and after. I even came down with a cold at my parents’ house during Thanksgiving and was terrified that I’d brought COVID to everyone until I got a negative test.

New job. I’ve started a new job that I LOVE, but I still have my old jobs. I’ve been wrestling with the decision to keep them all or cut back at one of the other places. I’m not getting a good gut feeling either way, so I’m going to keep them all for now, which means a lot of hours for me, which I’m okay with, but that could add to some stress.

Physical changes. I had a conversation with a friend this morning (at 5am, I’m so glad she was awake) about how body image has seemed to be very prevalent this year. My theory is that most people have gone through some sort of pandemic body change, either for the better or worse, but regardless, it’s on everyone’s mind because they’ve had to deal with it. EVERYONE. Globally. Personally, I’ve been really annoyed with my boobs.

I’ve never liked them. Always wished they were smaller. But lately, I’ve found that if I don’t follow a very careful diet before my period, they swell to incredibly irritating proportions. My bras haven’t been fitting lately and I just got new ones. Overall, I’ve been very uncomfortable and disliking it, in spite of the fact that the rest of me is in great shape. This is one area that I can’t really control with diet and exercise because it’s all hormonal.

I finally bit the bullet and remeasured myself last night. My band size has always been a 32. Actual tape measure size a 31. I’m down to a 28, which translates into a 30 band. Basically my band has been so loose that I’m getting no support. So it’s no wonder I’ve been incredibly uncomfortable. This may seem like a small thing, but when you’re uncomfortable with a part of your body to the point where you never forget about it, not for one second of the day, it’s significant. I count this as a stress point. (I immediately ordered new bras and some band tighteners for the ones I already have.)

The kittens. They are the joy of my days and the light of my life. They have not replaced Jake, nor could anyone ever, but they have reminded me that I can still love while I grieve. And that loving Aang and Cloud does not diminish the love that I will always have for Jake. I am so glad, every single day, that we brought them into our home.

They will not rest until every ornament is down.

They have been wreaking havoc with my sleep. Dean has been counting the days until January 1st so that we can take the Christmas tree down because they are on a mission to destroy it. We can’t leave anything out or it becomes a toy. Sometimes a chew toy. I was so relieved when my sister in law (who has two small children) said that raising kittens is very similar to raising children. She had been a dog person most of her life and recently adopted a cat and her baby. Because, goddamn, I know that cats are not the same as human kids, but I sure as hell feel some of the things that human parents talk about. And the lack of sleep is real. I love them so much, I would literally defend them with my life if anyone so much as threatened them, but my house was so much nicer before they came.

So yeah, I guess there’s been stress.

This year has been one long year of stressors, big and small. And I think we’ve all shown how resilient we can be. Also, you can get used to anything, and I feel like I’ve gotten used to low grade stress. To the point where I didn’t understand that I could possibly have developed a stress migraine and obviously I was dying.

I’m writing this blog on New Years Eve of 2020 and it will go live on January 1st, 2021. I had thought about doing a ‘year in review’ or some shit, but honestly, I wasn’t up for it. Then this happened. This crazy headache born by stress that I ignored or brushed off.

Because of it, I got to video chat with a friend at 5am for an hour and a half. I got to write my mom a long email. I got to get started on some work. I got to take a nap from 9:30am - 10:30am and woke up to having already accomplished some things. And honestly, I think it was an amazing way to finish this crazy year, because through my stress and pain, I found friends, connection, productivity, rest and resilience.

Wishing us all the best for 2021.

But I’m not gonna let my guard down just yet.

A little stress to end the year on a bright spot.