On outgoing introverts.
When I tell people that I’m an introvert, they often argue with me.
Their list of reasons usually includes one or more of the following: you’re an actor, you teach fitness classes, you’re in front of people all the time, you’re so social and outgoing, you’re always trying new group activities, you have no problem talking to people. These things are all largely true. They also have nothing to do with my being an introvert or an extrovert.
Extroverts are energized by other people. When they go out into groups and interact, they are receiving energy. They come out of these interactions refreshed, renewed and invigorated.
Introverts expend energy when they interact. This doesn’t mean that they can’t enjoy interacting with people and actively avoid it. It is more likely that they have a limit on how much social interaction they can handle and need recharge time. They’ll often hit a wall at parties and if their partner isn’t ready to leave, they’ll be the ones in the bedroom where everyone has dumped their coats, petting the cat. Or they’ll wait in the car, or leave on their own.
A few signs of an outgoing introvert that I’ve found to be true, not just of myself, but others like me, in no particular order:
We’ll sometimes ghost out of parties. I, personally, will usually say goodbye to the host and let them know that we’re heading out, then I’ll just book. When I’m ready to go, I’m ready to GO and don’t have the energy to make a goodbye tour of the entire party. When I was in college, I used to get in trouble with my friends for just leaving without saying anything to anyone. In their eyes, it was dangerous for me to be heading out (often drunk) on my own. I got their point, so now I will say goodbye to at least one person.
We cannot do two party days in a row. I married an extrovert. And when we first started dating, it took some time for me to impress upon Dean that I was completely fine with him going to as many parties as he liked, but that I would only be attending one group function per weekend unless circumstances were extreme.
Not all social interactions are created equal. I have a handful of friends that I can hang out with, one on one, regardless of my energy level because they are not taxing to me. Going to a movie is generally less taxing than going to a party. A party where I don’t know anyone is more taxing than a party where I’m familiar with people. Just because it’s family, doesn’t mean it’s not draining.
We can be incredibly charming and great public speakers, but we’ll need space once we’re offstage. When I was teaching group fitness full time, I had pockets of time built into the day where I would either sit at a coffee shop by myself and write, do my own solo workouts, or, on some early days, get home and immediately take a nap before Dean got home. There were long days where I came home and immediately went to bed. I still try to avoid scheduling anything social on the weekdays.
We may nope out if the weather changes. I once refused to go to a party with Dean because it was snowing, I couldn’t ride my bike there, and I do not like rideshares. I do not like to speak to strangers when I’m commuting. There was no easy escape for me, I stayed home with a book and was very happy.
We may overly plan for anything in our calendar that looks particularly energetically intense. I need to know where it is, what I should wear, when we plan on leaving, what the weather is going to be like, if I need to bring anything, and occasionally a code word that I can say if I’m ready to leave early.
Sometimes we DO enjoy ourselves and close the party down. It happens! And usually the next day or two, we’re completely dead and don’t want to talk to anyone. I am very guilty of enjoying a good conversation and staying up past my bedtime. This is even more likely if I’m in my own house. I’m terrible at telling people to leave if I like talking to them. I sometimes have to make a pact in advance that we need to be done by X time so I don’t overextend myself in good company. There have been several occasions where I have hit a wall and just gone to bed while Dean stayed up with our guest(s). I usually don’t regret this too hard, but it does take me a day or two to recover.
Not all introverts have social anxiety and not all extroverts are loud, pushy talkers. Of course you will have some of these on either side, but extroverts can be good listeners and introverts can be outgoing conversationalists. It comes down to how you expend your energy and what you need to recharge. Dean is often quiet in social gatherings, but he can go to a party every day and not be zonked. I love trying new things and meeting new people, but I need lots of naps in between. And maybe some time and space with imaginary book people.