This seems like a no-brainer when you read it. Of course you want your significant other to be themselves! What else would they be?

I think that many empathetic people unconsciously mimic or mirror anyone that they’re around. This was probably originally a survival technique as mirroring tends to make anyone you’re talking to more comfortable with you. And many extroverted people will tend to join in the activities of anyone new that they like and want to be friends with because it’s a new and stimulating challenge. If these two people get together (and they do, my friends) later down the line they may find themselves facing a person with facets that they were totally unaware of.

I first became aware of my mirroring tendencies in high school. I had a friend named Sutton who had a very distinctive, smokey voice, even in high school. I don’t remember how it came up, but my mom told me that when I was with Sutton, I talked like her, like I had a sore throat. I had been completely unaware that I was doing it at that point. Later on, I would go to school in England and gradually lose my accent. No one in England thought I had completely lost my accent (until the very very end) but when my friend Natasha came to visit me from New Orleans (her first ever plane ride was international, bless her heart) everyone commented on how much more ‘American’ I suddenly sounded after being with her.

Later, when living in Chicago, I would often get ‘you’re from New Orleans? But you have no accent!’ I learned to say that I was an ‘empathetic accenter.’ When I went back to England, I would slip right back into that weird, pseudo British accent that ex-pats end up with, when I went back to the south, I sounded southern, except when I said ‘Chicago.’ I apparently cannot say ‘Chicago’ without a Chicago accent.

All this to say that I’m one of those unconscious, mirroring, empathetic assholes. I don’t mean to do it. It just happens. My Nash-bestie has been in law school for the last three years and had her bar exams this week. I had a legitimate law school nightmare on Monday that woke me up at 3am. I have never been, nor considered going to law school.

My husband is an extroverted people pleaser.

Every once in a while he’ll do a virtual race with me.

I know this because when we started dating, he was in a show that required him to do certain workouts, eat a certain way, etc. We were in a different show together that rehearsed while his previous show ran. At the time, we were both in really great shape and really into working out. Later on, Dean tried yoga, because I was in yoga teacher training. He also joined the gym that I worked at and started taking other classes. My fellow teachers would compliment his motivation to me and tell me how he motivated others. We ran races and often he would be in a corral ahead of me and I would push myself to catch up to him, then we would finish the race together, holding hands. We (for real) ended up in a lot of promotional material in the race propaganda that followed. (Everyone likes a cute couple finishing the race holding hands, right?)

Fast forward several years. (Eight if you’re counting dating years, a little over six if you’re counting married years.) Dean and I have been through a lot together, especially in the past three years. The great thing is, we still like each other.

I think that one of the things that helped us is that I was older than Dean when we started dating. At first, neither of us knew how much older. I had also just gotten out of a long term, terrible relationship where I loved someone who just didn’t care what I needed or wanted (or maybe was just not able to give it to me and afraid to let me go). So I was primed to say exactly what I needed and wanted right away. I think part of me wanted to scare him away.

So regardless of whether I was unconsciously mirroring or not, my words were clear. “I am not going to stick around forever. I want to get married. So if you’re not interested in that in the next two years or so, we should break up now.” Dean was not phased. “I do not want kids. Ever. So if that’s something that you want, we should break up now.” Dean was okay with that.

We were engaged by our two year anniversary. July 26th. I always remember it even though that’s not normally a day you celebrate. Dean had splurged for a beautiful hotel room downtown with panoramic windows. I was in yoga teacher training and went over when I was done. I was shocked at the room, shocked at our dinner, then he proposed by the planetarium and a gathering of people we didn’t even know cheered. We couldn’t get a cab home, so we had to walk all the way back to our hotel. I didn’t mind so much because I got to call family members who I thought might still be awake. (Including my grandma, who is no longer with us, but I am so glad I called her that day.) I eventually had to stop and take my shoes off by Soldier Field and the picture Dean took of me is still one of my favorites. I walked barefoot the rest of the way back. In the morning we had a ridiculously expensive room service. It was great though. The guy fixed my coffee exactly how I wanted it without letting me get out of bed and brought it to me. It’s one of my favorite Chicago memories.

I remember going to teacher training the next day and being emotional leaving Dean. When everyone there found out I had been engaged the night before, they told me what an auspicious planetary pairing we had. It was an amazing day to be engaged. My ring was great too. Dean was younger than I was and didn’t have a lot of money. I told him that I didn’t need diamonds. Sapphires and silver were my favorites. I sent him a few sapphire rings that I liked months before we got engaged. My engagement ring is still one of my very favorite things ever. I’m so glad I have some color and not just a diamond. In the months after I got engaged, I would just stare at it sometimes because I loved the deep blue so much.

Dean teaching Aang the finer points of old school Nintendo games.

Dean and I decided to leave Chicago for many reasons. These have been enumerated in a previous post and I don’t feel the need to rehash them. Our move to Nashville has been both blessed and cursed. We have been through a lot and we still love each other. We’ve also discovered how different we are. And I think that the best thing we’ve done for each other is to let each other be who we are, while letting the other one know what we non negotiable need.

As it turns out, Dean is not interested in running. He’s not interested in yoga. He’s not really interested in working out. He’s interested in video games. And eating meat. He likes going to bed late and getting up late. He really enjoys sleeping in on the weekends. He would rather watch a movie than read a book and rather play a video game than watch a movie. He has an entire podcast that he’s dedicated to teaching people about obscure video games. (No, there’s no scheduled release date for episodes.) He’s not really into initiating contact, although he loves any chance to hang out with friends. Dean likes new people and old people. Dean likes people. Dean does not like being hot. He would rather not do yard work and would rather do laundry and the dishes than mow the lawn. Dean would like to not have to be in charge of the house or of fixing things and it would be best if he didn’t have to deal with the bills, thank you very much.

As one might have guessed, Meredith LOVES running. In fact, it’s one of her core personality traits. When she’s injured and cannot run, as has happened on two occasions, she has a crisis of self that she has to deal with. She’s a personal trainer and a health coach and doesn’t eat land animals (Pescatarian). She would also like to avoid added sugar and carcinogens, so be careful with the grill, please. She will commute via bicycle, if she can. She also can devour a 700 page fantasy book in a day, and writing is her passion. She likes to talk on the phone with her best friend and/or mom for hours and also enjoys growing her own food and tending her garden. She has an enormous tool box, as her dad was a contractor before he retired, and he taught her well. She can fix small things. If she cannot fix them, she Facetimes dad. She hates being cold and loves the sun.

Many of these things were not surprises. Thankfully, we got the big issues out of the way first. (Family expectations, relationship expectations.) And some of them mesh together. Dean would rather not be hot and would rather do inside things. I am happy mowing the lawn and taking care of the landscaping and things outside. He will generally do the laundry and dishes. Yes, there are times when we overlap. (Today, I did the laundry because it was full and I was working from home, and I had him help me water the plants and garden this evening because it’s been in the 100s.)

Some of the other things have been adjustments. And they have been good and mediocre.

Dean and I don’t eat the same things. There was a period of time in Chicago where we adjusted to this and added tofu to my meals and meat to his. Dean and I have never had a dining room table. We’ve never had a dedicated eating space. We love our kitchen and how it opens into the living room; so that if someone is cooking, the other can visit. But more often than not, we’re both cooking. We like cooking together. Regardless, we don’t often eat together.

I like to get up at 5am and get my workout done before I go to work. I teach fitness classes at 7:15am downtown on weekdays, then come back and give the car to Dean so that he can drive to his job, while I work my publishing job from home. Dean would rather not get up at 5am. He would also rather not go to bed at 9pm, which is what I generally aim for. (Sometimes Thursdays are a little later, because I write this blog.) What together time do you have then?

We like to go on a walk when Dean gets home. (If I’m done with work. If I’m not, then he chills for a few minutes until I’m done.) I call it our neighborhood parade. We walk around and wave at the neighbors while we tell each other about our day. We also discuss our plans for the rest of the evening and perhaps the week, depending on what day it is.

One of the differences they never tell you to look for in your potential mate is how you view life. Do you like to look at the past, do you live in the present, or do you constantly look at the future? I look to the future naturally, but with a lot of concerted effort, have been able to learn to appreciate the moment. It is still an effort. I also remember everything about the past, but thank god, I don’t live there. Dean lives very much in the present. And while I envy this to a degree, it becomes very tiresome when you feel like you are the one managing a child when you explicitly said that you did not want to manage children.

However, I made a vow in my teens to dispense with any scrap of southern passive aggressiveness and pointed out to Dean every time when I would have liked his help and when I felt I was managing him rather than partnering with him. It is an ongoing effort, because I am a natural chef and Dean is a natural sous chef. I am generally okay with taking charge … until I’m overwhelmed, and then I’m not. Fortunately, or unfortunately, we had a catastrophic fire immediately upon moving to Nashville and I was the only one employed. Dean had to quickly learn my limit and take up the slack. (For anyone interested, my two dominant personalities in times of crisis are ‘I Will Kill’ and ‘Sobbing Mess,’ there is no in between.)

Dean has been able to figure out that planning some things in the future are important. He’s actually got a savings account now. He’s thinking about what positions he might grow into in his current company. He’s thinking about what works for him. He has a Google Calendar that reminds him of things. And he uses them. (That’s the key, he uses them.) And if something is important to me, I don't make him guess. I tell him that it’s important to me.

Dean loves video games. I’m not interested. I’m really not interested. I’ve tried. The really prettily animated ones I can watch when I’m hung over, but I really… would just rather be doing other things. Generally, this works for us, because I like writing and reading, and there’s always something I can be doing while Dean plays video games for an hour. However, there was always a bit of a disconnect.

Dean really wanted to share with me something that he was really passionate about. I would really have liked for him to read the fantasy books that I was into about dragons and talk about them with me. We tried once, to exchange. I’m not going to get into it in this post, but let’s just say, we didn’t enjoy each other’s thing.

When we moved to Nashville, I was hell bent on writing and Dean was really into a few podcasts that he liked listening to. He was also a little depressed and didn’t have access to the friend base he was used to in Illinois. I encouraged him to take a podcasting class at Nashville’s community college. (This no longer exists due to COVID.) Dean took the course. His final assignment was to record part of his podcast and present it to the class. Dean had decided to do a video game podcast where he taught people about video games.

I know nothing about anything other than Tetris. (I know lots about Tetris.) So I was the perfect model. Apparently the sample was so hilarious that a few of his classmates were saying that they wanted me on their show.

A year later, I am now Dean’s constant on his podcast. We’ve been through lots of different sound quality iterations. Dean has learned a lot about podcasting. We’ve had fun with a lot of different friends and I’ve learned a lot about video games.

I’ve also learned a lot about Dean.

I’ve told him over and over again that this podcast would be much better marketed if he would release it regularly; that he should probably have a schedule. Maybe record several in advance and then release them on a certain day, etc. Because I know my husband, I’m not an asshole about this, and I mention it once, and then let it go. It makes him happy to make these, and I’m happy to do them and that’s fine. But...

He had one episode that he wanted one of our mutual friends to do. Our friend Charles was busy. Work was crazy for him for a long time. We’re talking months. Now, I have created a boundary here that Dean may request that my friends be on his show, but it’s his doing, and I’m not getting involved. One aspect of the show is that I know nothing about the video game being discussed. So I had no idea why Dean was waiting for Charles. But I kept telling him maybe he should just record someone else.

He eventually did record someone else first, our friend Rachel, but only because he had an entirely different game in mind for her.

Last week we did the episode with Charles finally. And it really was an episode that was perfectly geared to Charles. I understood why he had waited. And I know that not many people will listen to these podcasts, but Dean is creating them with care. And when he asks someone to be on one, he’s really thought of something that he wants them specifically to comment on. It’s a labor of love.

I really like who I’ve married. And I like who I am when we’re together. I like that we give each other the space to keep changing and growing. It’s kinda fun.

Letting your spouse be themselves