I saw a meme a while back about asking for help. It recently made the rounds again, and got me thinking…

We’ve all had at least one person in our lives who seems to constantly rely on others to the point where they’re being enabled and a burden. I feel that many of us are so wary of becoming that person that we hesitate to ask for things. There’s also the fear of rejection that is innate in human DNA. We’re herd creatures. Being rejected from the herd back in caveman days meant you would probably get eaten unless you were very self-sufficient. As a result, we’ve given the word ‘no’ a lot more weight than it really needs this day and age.

Creative types are sensitive as a rule. Pouring their hearts and souls into their art, and then hearing ‘no’ over and over again. I’ve been lucky enough to dance through many creative fields, and the no’s still hurt, you just get better at taking them and learning from them. However, we all have a limit. For everything.

Here’s a different example: In 2016, Dean and I decided to do a sugar cleanse for two weeks. As you may, or may not know, sugar is in everything. It’s in most peanut butters, most marinara sauce, most bread, etc. Finding sugar free stuff was mentally taxing and sticking to the diet (which we did successfully, you can read about it here if you’re interested) was challenging. Dean and I were in a play at the time and there was a cast party after one of the performances. This fell about midway through our challenge and Dean asked if we should go. I told him no.

One of the things I had learned by that time—fitness was my full time day job—was that willpower was not a finite resource. And we’d been exercising that muscle continuously for a week. To try and sit through a party when we were tired, likely dehydrated, and hungry—where booze and snacks would be flying around like confetti—would be setting ourselves up for either failure, or a grumpy time.

I believe the same may be true of rejection. After a while, you’re getting so many no’s, you shy away from generating more of them. I personally think this has caused a spike in anxiety among creatives who are attempting to launch themselves in the era of social media and self-marketing. You can’t get away from it. You have to put yourself out there if you want traction.

Yes, there are people who just ‘get lucky’ and ‘strike it big’ but, as I heard in an agent talk-back as an actor back in the early 2000s, “While you’re banking on that, there are tens of thousands of other people doing all of this legwork.”

There are three things that I believe hold true that may ease one’s mind when navigating these times:

The first ‘yes’ generates confidence and makes it easier to go after the next one.
People, as a rule, want to help where they can.
When you get those yeses, reciprocate. There’s always something you can give back.

Now, to elaborate.

The first point is pretty straightforward, once you get that first yes, it’s like the first handhold when scaling a mountain, it gives you a boost to reach for the next. The unfortunate reality is that you most likely will have to either: 1. Put in a lot of advance work before you start putting yourself out there in order to get that yes, and/or 2. Wade through a lot of ‘nos’ first. It’s persistence, learning every step of the way, and not flinching away from changing your trajectory based on feedback. You will eventually get your yes. It’s up to you if you want to push as long and hard for it as you’ll need to. And you may not want to, and that’s okay too.

People really do want to help in most cases. Usually they’ve been where you are and are eager to share what they’ve learned and help you through this spot. It’s part of our herd mentality. If we were to naturally default to ‘every man for himself’ we’d die out in a hurry and live miserable existences. I personally am amazed at how much I’ve learned and feel amazing when I’m able to give someone actionable advice that really helps them. It makes me feel good! In fact, one of the things that’s recommended when you’re in a down spot is to look around and see if you can help someone else. You may be reaching out to someone who’s in a worse place than you. I do believe that asking for help is an essential survival skill.

Now, in the first world, the person you ask may not have the bandwidth and may set their own personal boundaries, and you have to respect that and not take it personally. There’s also a difference between asking a complete stranger for help, or someone who you have a relationship with. Think of it this way, if you’re trying to get someone to go to a theatre show by asking strangers, you may have to stand on a corner all day and hand out flyers to get one or two strangers to walk through the door. If you ask your group of friends, chances are they’ll be much more likely to support you. If you ask other actors who you’ve met once or twice, or agents who you want to check out your work, you’ll have more of a chance of getting them through the door if they’ve heard your name or seen your face somewhere before. This applies to getting blurbs for your book, getting bodies into your art show, and many many more things in life. Yes, people want to help you, but you have to find your people first. Find your herd.

Now we come to the reciprocation part of the equation. For this, I’ll use the book example. My own book doesn’t come out until next September, however, I’ve got several author friends who have agreed to blurb me. I also have a few recently published authors who I asked for advice everything from attending certain events to what was worthwhile to do right now to market myself. What can I possibly give back to these people when I have no name in the publishing industry yet?

My full reading schedule is now flooded with their books. When I finish one of their books, I give a video review on my social media, and then I go online and write a review and submit it. I am determined to get to all of them before I send them my ARCs, but I’ll continue to do it afterward if I can’t, fingers crossed. If I can’t find their book in the library, first I request it, then I buy it if I’m ready to read it. Some of their books are ‘scary’ for me, because I’m a wus, so I pick the one I think will frighten me the least and go with that.

I do this with the full knowledge that I may ask if they’re still willing to blurb me and they no longer have space in their schedule. (Reading a book takes time, I know it.) It’s okay. This is something that happens, and, having committed myself to reading all of their books, while editing my own, writing new ones, marketing myself on social media, and doing my full time job, I get that sometimes you need to set a boundary and say no. However, if it comes between someone who is doing their best to support their endeavors and someone who is just asking… who would you make time for?

But they’re also my friends, they’re people that I like. Wouldn’t I want to support them in any way I could regardless? Good friends do. And it will come around. When the tide comes in, all ships rise.

All Ships Rise: On asking for help.