I have always had very vivid and detailed dreams that I remember upon waking. Apparently my father is the same way. My mom has remarked on this several times after I tell her a particularly wild or disturbing dream. It stands to reason there may be some genetics involved in how we dream or how we process. No big surprise there.

When I was younger, I was given a book on dream interpretation. I’ll be honest, it didn’t do much for me. I think I had two of them at some point. Possibly because I was always telling people my crazy dreams, and probably because I’ve always had a dash of ‘hippy,’ so folks thought I’d be into it. Almost never did any of the interpretations make sense and even more rarely was I able to find the actual subject of my dream anywhere in either book. Horoscopes have been more accurate.

My personal feeling is that dreams help us process something that we’re going through in life.

I have had recurring dreams before. And I’ve had dreams so disturbing that I still remember them in detail now as if they actually happened to me. I’ve woken up crying, and I’ve woken up relieved that it was just a dream. I’ve woken up sad, and I’ve even tried to go back to sleep to fall back into some dreams. (Doesn’t usually work.) I’ve had one or two lucid dreams, but they always feel a little… dissatisfying. Almost like doing a really great scene onstage as opposed to actually experiencing the feelings in real life.

Have you ever had those dreams where you’re running away from something but your legs won’t move?

I used to have this when I was heavily into martial arts. I was in some kind of attack situation, but all of the sudden my punches were in slow motion, or were landing like butter. And I would always experience this moment of terror and think, what was the point of all of that martial arts training when I can’t protect myself now?

Then one day I had a dream where my martial arts was lethal. I was attacked, a gang tried to rob me, and I killed all of them. It was horrifying on another level, because I had just killed people and then I had to go into hiding or something, I can’t remember. But anytime someone came at me, I was able to protect myself. I remember telling my friend Charles about this dream later, because it was one of those that had really disturbed me, but also because it was the first time I’d had a dream where my physical training actually worked. He wasn’t phased at all. He said that I had just reached a point in my training where I was finally confident in my abilities, so now my fear had moved on from ‘will I be able to use this when the time comes’ to ‘what happens if I use this when the time comes’? It was fascinating.

Usually after a permanent goodbye to someone, if it has really affected me, I’ll dream about them. After my friend Erin died, I had a long dream about her. We hung out, had lunch, etc. She wasn’t as destroyed by cancer as she had been when I last saw her right before she died, but she wasn’t exactly as she had been when she was healthy. It was like she was herself, but her light brown hair had gone completely salt and pepper. It was nice hair, thick and long, just changed. I kept trying to carry her down steps and stuff. Finally she said, (slightly irritated), “Look, I don’t need you to do that for me anymore. I’m fine now. See?” She ran down some steps away from me and joined another group of friends that was waiting for her. She waved goodbye and that was it.

I had a dream about Jake a few days after we had to put him down. I’d been almost waiting for that one. Even a little worried that it would never come. As my friend Stacie said in the aftermath of Jake’s passing, pet grief is incredibly deep and not discussed enough. A being that had been in my life daily for sixteen years was gone.

In that dream, pirates were on my parents’ pond (shhhh it was a dream) and attacking us. I was in some kind of dingy rowing out to somehow fend them off, and Jake was suddenly arrowing through the water at my side. Swimming at them like he was going to defend me. I immediately forgot the pirates and jumped in the water and pulled him out. In the dream I was sobbing and hugging him and telling him how much I had missed him. “I missed you so much, Jake. I missed you so much.” I remember saying that over and over. And he was purring. I felt him purring. I woke up crying. But I remembered him purring.

Every now and then I’ll dream of a random person that I haven’t seen in years. Or sometimes someone I don’t even know that well. I assume they represent something or someone else, but a lot of times I never figure it out. I have a lot of nightmares that I’m pregnant and either trying to convince myself that this is a good thing, or just plain horrified. I’ve never wanted children. I always wake up from these dreams incredibly relieved.

Ghost Tamer, my book that’s coming out in 2023 is the result of a dream I had where I was riding the el train (well after I’d moved away from Chicago) with a friend of mine who was discussing improv with me and the train went off the rails. No idea what that was supposed to be working out subconsciously, but I got an entire book out of it.

I’ve even had the odd prophetic dream. I dreamed that I was hit by a truck the night before I was hit by a truck. They’re not regular enough to actually be helpful though.

One recurring ‘theme’ that I’ve had for the past decade is dreaming that I’m either married to, or still dating, or have gotten back together with, one of my worst previous ex-boyfriends.

In the absolute most terrifying iterations of this nightmare, I’m pregnant by him. It’s usually between two of my more long-term relationships, and always, always, there’s a point at the dream where I wonder how I’ve fucked up this badly and what happened to Dean. Most of the time I’m trying to convince myself that this will work. One or two of the times I’ve contemplated actually leaving the person. Last night, I believe I had a breakthrough.

Oddly enough, the exact details of this dream are fuzzy. I think it’s because I woke up suddenly at 2:30 a.m. just after having it. I remember lying there, pleased with my dream self, and thinking how this was very blog-worthy, before going back to sleep. I remember more the feeling of having ‘conquered’ some subconscious demon than the actual act, if that makes sense.

I do remember that one of my ex’s was in the dream. I cannot remember if we were dating or if he just really wanted us to be dating. I do remember thinking, you know what? I don’t have to put up with this. A feeling of lightness washed over me, I laughed at him and told him we were done, and then turned away, feeling great and still laughing. At that point, I woke up. I don’t think I had time to consider Dean in the dream (sorry, Dean) but I do think it’s a sign that—subconsciously at least—I’m no longer worried that one or both of us is going to screw this up and I’ll end up backsliding into previous relationship issues.

I also wonder how many other people examine their dreams and try and figure out if they’re working something out through them. I kept a dream journal for a while, and it was interesting, but there were a lot of weird goofy nonsense dreams—I remember a particularly detailed one about the Care Bears—and I find that the really earth-shattering ones, I remember on my own. Even years later. If you think back to the most impactful dreams you’ve had, do you think you were working through something? Or breaking free of something? Or was it just really weird?

Or do you think you may have been getting a chance to say goodbye?

I’m honestly interested in anyone’s dream experiences. At the least, I think they help us process. At their most, I think we might get to see someone one last time.

Dreams and nightmares.