Since moving to Nashville, a lot has happened. A lot is still happening and this continues to be a year of flux, learning and adjusting. Much of the time after we first moved was spent in survival mode, dealing with the fire and various other emotional and physical things. I’ve also been studying for two major certifications pretty diligently since moving. The test for the last one is next week. (God, I hope I pass.)

Today, Dean and I were able to have lunch with someone heavily involved in the Nashville theatre scene. He was introduced through one of the members of my fitness center that I am friendly with and after several rescheduled lunches, the stars finally aligned and the three of us were able to sit down together. He was wonderfully informative, friendly and generous with his time. (He even thanked ME for coming to meet with him.) He had a three page guide printed up for us with the different theatres in town, what kind of stuff they do, how often they audition, etc.

He asked us both what we were looking to get into and I truthfully answered that a few negative experiences had burned me out on the theatre scene shortly before I left Chicago and that I had been focused mainly on commercial and film auditions until I arrived in Nashville. Since being here, I had mainly focused on survival, my writing and studying. He told me a little about the agents in town and he offered both of us an opportunity to come check out a rehearsal with his company or even sit in on a board meeting.

After Dean left to get back to work, the two of us had a few more minutes and I asked a little bit about the atmosphere. Was it friendly? Inclusive? Was your time likely to be abused if you were doing non-equity? We had a nice honest chat about everything and how things were in both cities.

I left feeling cautiously inspired.

In a week, if all goes well, I’ll be done with studying for certs for a while. Yes, I’m still writing, but I could dip my toe back in the water if I wanted…

Do I want to?

Honestly, I’m not sure yet. I’ll probably have a better feel for that after the weight of this final cert is lifted. Although my main job is not a ton of hours, it is demanding and I do bring work home. And I do like it. Theatre was fun. I was good at it. I met a lot of interesting people doing it.

I feel like a cat standing just inside the door that his frustrated owner is holding open for him. Do I want to go out there? Is the temperature right? I was happy in here, but… it sure smells interesting out there… How long will you hold the door open? Can I go one foot at a time? One whisker at a time? Am I wasting air conditioning?

During the last part of our lunch, we talked a little bit about the sexual harassment and abuse scandals that have been coming to light recently in Chicago. The ‘Not In Our House’ standards that grew up out of it and have been adopted and then sometimes completely ignored by adoptees. I was thinking about that as I showered my bike ride home off of me.

Remember that time when everyone was posting pictures of their old headshots?

A shower thought that sprung up was that there were so many. So many young women out there trying to get their chance to do some art onstage. So many willing to work hard and ‘pay their dues’ to make their way into those productions that they can sink their teeth into. It must seem so easy to some. There are always more. There’s always someone willing to take the role no matter how little you pay or how disorganized your process is. You can keep them on three hours of sleep for weeks until they collapse during tech because ‘this is what the show needs.’ I could go on, but I really don’t want to go deeper down that alley.

My brain drew the parallel that this is probably how young women have been viewed by predators for a very long time. I don’t want to go down that alley right now either.

Although I am ‘young’, I am not young in the eyes of the theatre. And although I’m curious and ‘new,’ I have been around the block a few times. This isn’t my first rodeo. Forgive me, but the cliched phrases really work. I’m not truly afraid of being taken advantage of. I don’t know what it is I’m afraid of, or what it is that I’m unwilling to do. Other than sleep, what am I afraid of giving up?

Is it sleep? Do I still have trauma from that horrifying rehearsal process two years ago? I dunno. Is it that I’ve had enough life drama in the past six months and I don’t feel like I have the capacity for stage drama? Doesn’t seem to stop the majority of actors. (Snerk! But for real.) I don’t have a conclusion yet. I think I would like to dip my toe in again. I think I might like to ease a paw outside. I’m not sure. Either way… please don’t close the door just yet.

For anyone who has given everything to an art they loved... and had to take a break