Sitting in trees and screaming like cicadas

I’ve had a few difficult weeks recently. Nothing horrible or earth shattering, for me personally at least, but difficult. Almost like a continual obstacle course. Nothing is insurmountable, but everything is taking a great deal of energy. I’ve been coming home exhausted. And not in a productive ‘wow, I did soo much today, I’m completely knackered!’ kind of way; more like a ‘I ran around like a crazy person, barely keeping up and got almost nothing done’ kind of way. I want to sit in trees and scream like cicadas, I want to throw rocks, but I’m just too tired for either.

Sunrise on my bike in to work this week. The sun continues to rise. I continue to press forward.

I know that our move was unusual in many ways, but I do feel like I should be ‘over it’ by now. There’s a part of me that tries really hard to avoid posting about the move every week, but it’s still a big factor. Everything will be new for a while, I guess. I knew moving would be difficult. I anticipated that and did my best to prepare for it mentally, physically and emotionally. Of course, it’s been difficult in NONE of the ways that I foresaw and really tricky in new and unanticipated ways. And yeah, our place catching fire the day after we finished moving didn’t help.

I’m learning lots of new skills. Not just what comes with the advent of two huge certifications and two brand new jobs. I’m learning a new culture, a new city, a new place, lots of new people and new things about myself. New things about Dean. Lots of new. We take our old ways of coping and doing and apply them, if they don’t work, we try new ways.

I felt really confident making this move. I’ve made big moves before. I researched, visited the city, saved money, basically prepared in every way possible. I still consider myself a young person. And in many ways, I am and in some ways, I most likely always will be. What I try to remind myself is that I have lived a lot of life yes, but things are always changing and evolving, including me. Yes, I have made big moves before, but they were almost twenty years ago. The world was a completely different place. I was a completely different person. Of course everything about this would be different.

Sometimes I feel like I’m out here killing it, kicking ass and taking names. Recently I feel more like I’m the last person standing at dodge ball. And I know that this won’t last. I do.

As much as all of the above is true, as exhausted as I am right now, I don’t regret moving. Not one bit. I’m proud of this move. I’m glad for this move. I know in my bones that it was the right move.

Nothing worth having is free.