I’m the one who gets things done.

Most of the time I embrace this about myself. I’m organized, I have a good memory, I’m smart and I can figure things out. I can be relied upon. I’m responsible. All good things, right? I suppose there’s a yin to every yang. I’m a little overtired this week due to some hard driving, so I spent a little time contemplating this.

I walk into a room and I see what needs to be done. I see things that are out of order, need to be gone through, thrown away, put in another room, etc. This is the first thing I see. I don’t see ‘ah, comfy couch, time to chill.’ I see ‘the sink and counter are covered with dirty dishes, this chair is overflowing with clothes that need to be put away, there are shoes in the corner, there’s a bowl on the floor’ etc. (Caveat, this only happens in places that I am responsible for; my home or my work spaces. I don’t walk into restaurants or friends’ houses and have this experience.) Sometimes this is great, I see what needs to be done and get it done. But what’s frustrating is that I can’t relax if there’s clutter, and because I’m the one that sees it, often I’m the one who ends up getting to it first and taking care of it. This can lead to me feeling like I’m the only one who manages household organization. It can also lead to me having no down time because I feel compelled to pick up the house in between jobs.

I’m good at managing a team. There’s a home movie of my sixth or seventh birthday party featuring a pinata that my parents had hung in the garage. My parents were trying to organize a bunch of small children into some form of a line to take turns swinging a stick around in an enclosed space. I was attempting to help facilitate said organization and inform my guests of the rules and my father can be heard on the recording telling me to ‘stop being so bossy.’ (I haven’t seen this video years. I remember watching it right after it was filmed and being embarrassed that my chastisement was caught on tape. But those kids needed order, dammit!) I also remember being with a group of friends when we were a little older (nine? ten?) and trying to figure out a game to play. “I know what we can play!” I said. I had no idea what we were going to play, but no one else had ideas and the situation was deteriorating into arguments. I started talking and a game came out. And it was great! It ended up being a game that we played often. Often this impulse works in my advantage. Can you learn to do a Polish-American accent, like the Polish person has lived in America for a very long time, but still has an accent, for this play? YES. Can you teach this class that you’ve never taught before in a studio that you’ve only seen once at five in the morning? YES. These are both examples of things that I have learned to do and have done successfully. I DO know how to say no and have gotten better at it as I’ve gotten older, but as I’m in a new place establishing myself, I’m pushing myself a bit. This tendency also leads to others expecting that I will pick up any slack. I won’t get into any work/life specifics, but I feel it and I still can’t help myself. I want to do a good job and I want things to go well. I’m also at a point in my life where I have been lucky enough to arrange it so that everything I am working on is something that I do care about. I remember talking to a friend months ago about some demands that were being placed on me and how I didn’t know how I was going to be able to get them all done in the time allotted and with the resources given to me. “You’re going to have to start failing,” she said. “As long as you’re still checking all the boxes, nothing is going to change and they’re going to keep expecting you to keep getting it all done.” I have a difficult time with that. Unless I’m impaired. Maybe that’s why I drink.

I make plans. I’m an extroverted introvert. I need NEED recharge time, especially with what I do for a living, but I also like to make sure I’m keeping up with the people that I care about. Yes, I like organizing get-togethers with friends. If plans are made in advance, I always check in a day or two before to make sure we’re still on. More than half the time, things have changed and I wouldn’t have known it if I hadn’t checked in. Maybe it’s because I’ve checked in that things have changed. Perhaps I’m giving the opportunity. Once I had a friend tell me she was going to fly to Nashville to visit me and asked me what weekend I was free. I texted a few days before the weekend she was supposed to visit to see when I needed to pick her up from the airport and she told me that things had changed at work and she wasn’t coming. Am I that much of a throwaway that you don’t think to call me and tell me you’re not flying in? That’s an extreme example, but it happens to lesser degrees all the time. Sometimes I do wonder why people don’t call me first to get together. Or check up with me. This leads to me getting paranoid that I’m pushing friendship on people that don’t really want it. It could also be that I’m just getting around to it first.

I take the pictures. I'm usually the one who documents all the fun. I’ve always been a picture taker, and for the most part, I enjoy this. I love taking photos and sorting through them. I also try to remember to put the camera down and enjoy the moment. The downside of this is never being in any of the pictures. Unless I’m doing a selfie or setting the camera on a timer so that I can get in a group picture OR throwing the camera at someone (usually my husband) and asking them specifically to take a picture of me doing something or with someone, I don’t get photographed. This is a small thing. I do sometimes wish that someone wanted to take my picture as much as I like to take theirs, but maybe more people feel like that than I realize.

Bullet journal and scheduling while waiting for dinner companions.

I remember things. Not only the conversation I had with my friend in fifth grade, but I remember that my CD is about to mature, where you put your jacket, that we need to pay rent, that it’s someone’s birthday, that the cat needs a check up, that it’s passed time to change the sheets, etc. Due to the nature of my work, I have several places of employment. I have a rather detailed calendar where I can keep track of all of my commitments, work, social, maintenance, etc. I also have a Bullet Journal (love it) and have daily to-do lists in there also. Not everyone is like this. I realize that I am highly organized and that I have a skill for it. (I was an amazing stage manager, with the exception of being too emotional. Hence, actor.) But sometimes I just get tired of being responsible for it all. I’ve never been quite so passive aggressive as to let an event go by just to see if someone else marks it, but I have waited until the last minute before and generally it only makes it harder on me. (It does make it sting when my birthday is passed over.)

I have a friend who is very generous with his money. He is always the one to spot someone a drink at the bar or buy a round and never quibbles about payback. He’ll happily pitch in for pizza at a party and never comes empty-handed. In fact, he usually brings more than necessary to any gathering that he’s invited to. As you can probably guess, he’s always on everyone’s guest list. The thing is, everyone hates being taken advantage of, and after a while, if you continue to drink on his dime and eat the food he’s paid for without putting even a small effort in, he’ll notice. And he doesn’t ask for a lot. Once in our circle we had a girl who would show up who was in college and she would bring chips and dip for everyone while being includedin the drink rounds. He always said he appreciated her chips and dip because she was bringing what she could afford to the table for everyone and it was obvious. If you brought nothing but your good looks, it was noticed.

I’m not sure how to stop giving out free drinks. I am over tired this week and have been pushing hard and that is part of what inspired this entry. I do want to do quality work and yes, everything I do, I care about. But man, no matter how ‘together’ and ‘organized’ I seem, I need help sometimes. I think we all do.

The one who gets things done. The downside to making things happen.