I was futzing around on the internet this week, probably procrastinating on my writing, and I came across a post from a woman about how she had been grabbed in public. This is going to feature heavily in the remainder of the post, if you need to skip this one.

Me in England. Probably because of what I was wearing I was ‘asking for it’ right?

Just about every woman reading this just flashed back to the last/first/worst time that they were grabbed in public. For me it happened once in a club in England (I had to be restrained by my friends when he then yanked out his member after we firmly told him to stop grabbing each of us in turn) and twice on crowded El trains in Chicago while commuting to work. (And people used to call me crazy when I started bike commuting.) For this woman, she was leaving a popular concert with her mom and her grandma. She felt something brush her, but wrote it off as an accident (as most of us do at first) until she heard chuckles and a whisper of “do it again.” This time the person blatantly ran a finger down her butt and then grabbed her firmly. She turned around and told him off, as she should have.

Luckily, security was right there and took charge of the situation. While both parties were en route to security, the offending man’s friend was trying to convince her that “it was a compliment,” “how can he help it if you have a nice ass,” and “why are you making a big deal out of this.” As soon as they were in the security office the tune changed to outright denial and the guys claiming that she had made it all up. Fortunately for this lady, her mother and her grandmother supported her. The security team also supported her, although they were honest and said that nothing may come of it and she would have to go through a lot of red tape for a bit. (Better than the security guard in that club in England, who just stood by impotently and watched.) She decided to go ahead and press charges and attend all of the court dates because she felt that there should be consequences for this kind of behavior and that women should start standing up, if for no other reason, than to leave a better path for those girls coming behind them.

I don’t really have a lot to illustrate this one. Since we’re talking about rear-ends, here’s a photo where you can see my butt in action.

Now, my friends, as I said, I was procrastinating and, like you, I’m thirsty for an encouraging tale at this point in our nutso year, so I scrolled through the comments. Most of them were people thanking her for standing up and thanking her for sharing her story. Thanking her on behalf of themselves, their daughters, their sisters, etc. Then there was one guy.

There’s always one guy.

This guy said that while he didn’t condone the behavior or engage in it himself (of course) that women really should expect this kind of thing if they go to ‘those kinds of places.’ He went on to say that if they go to a bar by themselves, they should be aware that ‘there are assholes out there’ and that ‘this kind of thing might happen.’ I stopped reading because that would have led to responding and I don’t have the bandwidth right now to argue with strangers online who aren’t going to change. But people like this guy are out there and they don’t get it.

Those among us who have been walking around female for any length of time are aware that this kind of thing might happen. Does that mean that we should expect it? I don’t think it does. I think that several thousands of years of history have conditioned society to think that this kind of thing is ‘harmless’ and ‘no big deal.’ Because there’s no blood I guess?

Should we all be allowed to grab any random stranger that we feel like grabbing? If I like a strange guy’s shoulders, should I be allowed to run my hands down them to see if there’s any definition that I’m missing with my eyes? Some assholes right now are thinking, “I would like that” or “I would take that as a compliment.” You’re an asshole. No, I can hear you. I can hear you claiming to be a nice guy really that I’m just not understanding you. You’re an asshole who refuses to listen honestly and be teachable because you don’t want to be made uncomfortable by your own past behavior. And having a sister, a girlfriend or a best gal pal does not exempt you. Listen and be uncomfortable. There is no change without discomfort.

I was in a play once playing a princess and my ‘prince’ was played by a gay man. It was a farce and the atmosphere backstage was very light. The prince at some point began slapping my ass every time I walked by him. I told him to stop it. He said he was just ‘getting into character’ and that it ‘didn’t mean anything’ because he was gay. I had to tell him several times to stop hitting my ass. And I was blown off as. many. times. Because it’s not a sexual come on he’s somehow entitled to touch me however he wants? Eventually, I had to threaten violence in a very Liam Nielsen way and I would still sometimes catch him in my peripheral vision stopping his arm in mid-swing. Now, I liked this guy as a person and considered him a friend before all of this happened. And I’d like to say that this behavior is no different than a heterosexual guy grabbing a random girl in a crowded space. It’s all inappropriate. You don’t get to just grab someone else without their permission. Unless you’re pulling them out of the way of an oncoming vehicle.

Sun coming up at the end of a morning run.

This is like running alone in the darkness of the early morning. I carry lights, pepper spray, my phone and I don’t ever wear headphones. I know that there’s a greater chance of bad things happening during that time. But should I expect it? Does this mean that I shouldn’t run before work? That I should only run inside on a treadmill? Sure, I can do those things. I can avoid the situation completely. But I like running before work. I like clearing my head first thing in the morning. I like having it done. I like greeting the dawn. I carry things to protect myself, but wouldn’t it be nice if I didn’t have to? And realistically, I could carry those things during the daytime too, because just because the sun is out, doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen.

Just because I’m not in a bar, doesn’t mean inappropriate grabbing doesn’t happen whilst commuting to work on a train or acting in a play. Does that mean it’s no big deal?

Me. Commuting by bicycle on Wednesday. I arrived to all destinations safely.

I now commute by bicycle. I wear a fluorescent safety vest and a helmet. When it’s dark, I have lights on the front and back of my bike. I know that it’s possible to get into an accident. But should I expect it? Is every car that I pass going to fling it’s door open in a potentially fatal way? No. And I don’t expect that they will. However, I am wary of them, I am careful around them, but I don’t expect every car to kill me.

I guarantee that the assholes who say that women should ‘expect’ these things to happen are the very same men who complain that women won’t give them the time of day when they hit on them. We’re wary of you, jerk. You could be a potential ass-grabber or murderer. (There’s also the possibility that we’re just not interested and we came here to hang out with our friends.)

All of you guys are cars, sitting there waiting to fling your doors open and smack us when we aren’t expecting it. By expecting there to be consequences for inappropriate behavior toward our persons, we are trying to change this narrative for the better for everyone.

I don’t think women should chose to expect this kind of behavior. And I don’t think men should expect to get away with it.

What a woman should expect.