Coronavirus and the new normal

Like everyone else, I’ve been struggling to adjust to the new normal this past week. I’ve had some moments where I feel that I’m finally being pushed to do things that I’ve been too afraid to do, then I have moments of incredible sadness and apathy, just knowing that the world isn’t going to be the same again.

I’ve even had Dean join me in some of the videos, which has been fun for me, I’m not sure how he really felt about it.

I’ve finally started launching a virtual aspect of my fitness business. This is something that I’ve aspired to do since I moved from Chicago. Every aspect of it is scary and new, but I’m just putting one foot in front of the other, making plans and following them. Since I’m home now I have time to work on it. One or two places that I used to work are requesting videos so that we can get a little income, so I’m getting in practice.

I’ve been in touch with lots of friends via video chat. I’ve actually been able to talk to some people more than I had before this because everyone is stuck at home. It’s been good to see them all and I’ve enjoyed putting those appointments on my calendar.

At the same time, I’m terrified. I wake up at 3am every night with thoughts swirling around my head that I can’t seem to stop. Meditation is incredibly difficult right now.  Sometimes I’m worried about what I’m going to bring to students and clients, how this new online thing that I’ve scheduled for myself is going to go, how will I deal if my income continues to dwindle.. And all of that is enough.  But sometimes I just worry about who is going to die.

We’ve been taking a lot of pictures of Jake lately. I think I have four videos of him on my phone. It’s all going to his head.

I currently have 621 Facebook friends. Not a lot by many standards, but when you consider that I cull them every year so that I can keep in contact with the ones that I enjoy and want to hear more from, it’s actually a lot of people. People that I actually care about. There is no way that no one on that list is going to catch this thing. It’s impossible. I have friends in the medical field, friends in ‘essential employment’ that have to go to work, I have friends in New York and Chicago and New Orleans; all hot spots. I’m terrified. But there’s nothing I can do about that, other than watch and hope and keep in touch.

We need Drano, or a plumber for our sink. But I don’t want to leave the house to get Drano and I don’t want a plumber coming in. Dean needs to go pick up some medication and something that we left at the old apartment and he wants to stop by the grocery store while he’s out. (We’ve decided that if we have to go out, only one of us should go at a time.) After a few mentions of putting it off or getting things delivered, I finally said that I was going to give him wipes and that he was going to get in and get out and wipe everything down each time and that he was taking his clothes off as soon as he got back and putting them in the washing machine. 

Am I freaking out and overreacting? Or are we not being careful enough? 

I won’t know until it’s over. No one will. 

The trees are starting to bloom here. I took this on a run. At least I am still allowed to go out on runs, keeping mandated six foot distancing from others. My friends in Chicago are locked down now, no more running or biking outside.

I get really angry when I hear about people still trying to go to spring break in Florida, or play softball on the beach in Chicago. Even if they feel that they’re invincible, they obviously don’t care about transmitting the virus to someone else. I get really angry when people blame this virus on China. I can’t even elaborate on that, I get too vitriolic and it’s unhelpful. Also, I’ve had an upset stomach since early March and getting angry doesn’t do me any favors.

I wish there were something I could contribute that could change things. Right now, all I can contribute is a way for people to exercise while they’re inside and stuck at home. So that’s what I’ll work on. I will occasionally get overwhelmed with grief, sadness and anger, but I’ll try to let it pass and move on constructively.

There are times when I look at everything Dean and I have been through since we moved, and how we had just gotten a foothold here, and I get a little discouraged, like we’re never going to be on steady ground. But then I look around at what we have built, and the house that we’re in, and the job that Dean has and the cute cat we own who just dragged his butt across the floor, and I’m grateful for where we are and the work that we’ve put in. I try and appreciate the extra time we have together when we barely saw each other during the week before this. I try and appreciate the fact that we get to spend some time in our new house, really enjoying it. (And sometimes I appreciate the fact that everyone’s driving less, so we’re polluting the planet less!)

I don’t know when I’ll get to hug them again, but at least right now we’re all healthy. And we can video call all we like. In fact, I think I’ll call now.

If there’s anything good about this (aside from the temporary drop in global emissions) it’s that we do get to spend more time thinking about our loved ones. Either being with them, or checking in on them and making an effort to keep in touch. I’m going to continue to move forward, and I’m going to continue to be careful, but I will try and focus on love as much as possible.