I keep a journal of Jake’s days. I realized after his prognosis that I needed some way to track ‘good days’ and ‘bad days’ so that I could objectively make sure that his good was still out numbering the bad. At least as objectively as possible. I have a huge attachment to Jake and I don’t want my personal attachment to him, and all of my personal identity and sense of self that may be tied to him, to blind me to any suffering or cause me to keep him around longer than he may want to be here.

Wednesday ended badly. I didn’t make that entry until Thursday morning.

There’s been a lot of sleeping happening.

I’ve been emailing his wonderful vet regularly with updates so she can advise us and still help keep our costs as low as possible. I highly recommend Parker’s Paws and Dr. Garrett to anyone in the Nashville area. After a few emails where I expressed a mild concern that he wasn’t pooping as often or as much as I felt he should be, she recommended we come in for a recheck to make sure he wasn’t constipated. I agreed.

I’ll admit, I was looking forward to the recheck. His energy had been up, he had been eating and he had seemed more like himself, with strings of good days. I was hoping to hear something positive. Of course, he threw up that morning, which upset me, but Dr. Garrett said, “maybe he’s just constipated and we need to get things moving so his stomach is better.”

Dr. Garrett was in surgery all day, so his appointment was set for 4:30pm. I had a virtual class that I was scheduled to teach for 6pm. I told them that if it were going to be more than an hour, I could drop him off and have my husband come back and pick him up. They said it wouldn’t be longer than an hour and they’d make sure everyone was aware of my time constraint.

The news wasn’t what I had hoped or expected. Aside from being very constipated, Jake had lost weight since his last visit, which was only a few weeks ago. He was also dehydrated. They recommended fluids and an enema that day if I was willing to pay for it. Of course, I said yes. They also said I could learn to give fluids at home if I wasn’t needle shy. Since I had been giving him Vitamin B12 injections twice a week for over a month now, I said yes.

They had me come over to one of the exam rooms with full length windows facing the parking lot. I stood on the outside and watched while they gave Jake fluids and explained to me how to do it. He wasn’t thrilled about it, but he was very good. After that, they took him back to give him the enema, which I didn’t see, but I’m sure he wasn’t as good for. Someone brought out the fluid bag with extra needles for me and I made my payment over the phone. It was getting down to the wire for the hour, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want this to be rushed. I texted Dean to set up my class for me.

Obviously not thrilled to be getting his first bath.

They brought Jake out and told me that he had not yet eliminated after his enema, but they had put a puppy pad in his carrier in case he had an accident. I said thank you and we were on our way. I’m sure they were being cognizant of my time constraint.

We weren’t even a block away when Jake became frantic and started digging at the sides of his carrier and burrowing underneath the pad. I knew what was about to happen, but there was nothing I could do. At the next stoplight, I texted Dean with our ETA and told him to please come out to the car to help. We drove with the windows down, Jake was very upset, I don’t blame him.

Dean was waiting outside when we got there and I asked him to take Jake into the office and clean him up. I quickly cleaned up the car and went inside. We had to throw open some windows. We kept Jake confined to the office and bathroom until I was done with the class and then we gave him a bath. His first ever. Not sure what I was thinking, but I filmed it at the time. He was, as he always is, very very good for the majority of it. I think he knew we were trying to clean up his hind legs. When I started rinsing him off, he got upset and we finished as quickly as we could, dried him off and let him go.

We tried to give him some chicken, but he was not having it, so we left him alone. I went outside and called my mom and had two glasses of non-alcoholic champagne. (I’ve gotta say, when you’ve had a rough day and you really want a drink, but you really don’t want to drink, it does the trick.) The next time I saw Jake, he was hiding under the covers. When I went to bed, he was nestled between the pillows. He didn’t want to cuddle and I left him alone. Eventually, he went and laid down between my feet.

I get up early on Thursdays and normally Jake gets up with me and has his breakfast, then goes back and sleeps with Dean for a while. He didn’t get up this time. I left him alone. I realized that I hadn’t filled out the Jake Diary last night because I had been too overwhelmed, so I started filling out yesterday’s entry.

It hit me when I was writing about giving him fluids twice a week that I would be giving him fluids twice a week for the rest of his life. My daydreams about one more year with him evaporated. Fortunately, I think I’ve moved past the crushing grief that I was experiencing last week (although I’m aware that it may return) and I’ve entered some form of acceptance. I just want to do the best I can for him right now.

I’ve thought a few times about the ‘put the oxygen mask on yourself’ frame of mind and I am trying to consciously pay attention to my own needs as much as I can. (Hence, non-alcoholic champagne.)

Jake slept Thursday morning and afternoon away, other than the forty-five minutes that I took him outside to enjoy the sunshine. He also licked the bowl after my lentil soup, but other than that, no interest in anything but sleeping. Around 3pm he roused long enough to come have some kibble. I brought him some chicken in bed. He ate a little.

While entering the invoices into my spreadsheet, I read that his weight is down to 7.38 pounds. It still makes me sad, but I’m no longer sobbing over it. This morning when I woke up, I saw him watching me from the bottom of the bed. I patted my chest and he came up and laid down next to me. I pulled him up on top of me to get a cuddle like we normally do, but he just laid there for a while, until I think he felt like I had gotten ‘enough’ time and then he walked back down to the end of the bed. A few minutes later, Jake got stuck getting into the litter box and peed on the floor outside of it.

I’m going to have to give him fluids today. I feel like he’s not going to be around much longer. I just wish I knew how long and when was the right time.

I did a few ‘live’ videos on Facebook and Instagram while Jake and I were out and about. I appreciated all the comments and waves from people. I emailed my mom earlier and told her that my blog was probably going to be about Jake again, and that it would probably start boring people, but that I really couldn’t think of anything else to write about. And it’s my blog after all. She agreed that it was probably helping me to process.

Maybe someone else will be saying a long goodbye to a friend someday and they’ll stumble on to this. And maybe it will help them too.

Letting Go.