Finding your lane

This week was better than last week. At least in terms of my mental space, which is what this blog has always been about.

Last week, the world felt very hopeless. Peaceful protesters were being teargassed and shot with rubber bullets, other organizations and individuals were infiltrating protests and causing damage in order to further the divisiveness and I felt like I couldn’t do anything to help both due to lack of funds to donate and lack of immune system to protest during a pandemic. This week I got to see the traction the protests have created and watch how it spreads! Seeing how this movement is creating actual change is heartening. I also came across something that stabilized and empowered me personally.

I mentioned in my last entry how I immersed myself in reading and educating myself last week. A lot of what I read were personal stories that friends of mine are now feeling compelled to tell. I also read news, of course, and I read a lot of (previously unknown to me) history. Although I knew I needed to learn these things, it seemed frustratingly lacking in action. Protesting seems so much more dynamic and NOW. As does donating. Then I came across this video by Ivirlei Brookes, which has been watched millions of times. It’s directed specifically toward white women who want to help, but l think all genders could benefit from what she says.

When this started, I was at a loss. Other than educating myself and doing my own work to see where systemic racism had benefited and affected me (and I’m not saying that this isn’t important work that well-meaning white people shouldn’t all be doing, because it is), I didn't see how I could make a difference. A lot of what I read talked about ‘finding your lane,’ likening this movement to a multilane highway, one lane was protesting, one was donating, one was organizing, etc. and all lanes were needed. Pick the thing that you do best and use that talent. What was my lane? 

My blog on average gets thirty reads an entry, at best one hundred. I never started it in order to make it ‘a thing,’ but more to challenge myself to become a better writer and to make sure that I was putting something out at least once a week. I’ve never tried to make it about more than what I’m dealing with or thinking about at the time and I’m aware that most of my readers are friends and family. What wisdom can I impart that all of my friends haven’t already read a million other places?

A light-bulb went off after watching that video. No one has the exact same friend group that I do. Maybe not everyone is getting the same exposure that I am and maybe someone will read my words when they wouldn’t read a shared article or click a link.  At the very least, I can try. So I’m going to articulate a few of the things that I’ve learned; a combination of things I already knew and things that I have been made newly aware of. This is obviously directed at, in the words of my friend Edith, “my fellow white people striving to suck less.” I’ll include a few links that I’ve found helpful within the text, in case you’re interested and need an easy place to start from, because it can be daunting.

Yes, racism is still a problem and it’s pervasive. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “but racism was so 1950’s, surely things are better now! My college even had special scholarships for different races!” Or some variation. Maybe you even have a black friend or coworker (if you don’t, start becoming curious about the diversity of your social circles) and you’re thinking that you would never stand by and let them be treated badly because of the color of their skin. Maybe you’re even picturing that friend right now and imagining a scenario in which you might intervene and put a stop to this blatant racism. Here’s the thing. Your friend/coworker experiences racism frequently and you are not there when it happens. In the rare case that you might be present, let’s say you’re both in a car, you get pulled over, and your friend is being treated unfairly by a cop. Most likely you’re both going to be as cooperative as hell so that you don’t escalate the situation. Your black friends don’t need you to be the hero.  They need you to speak up for them when they’re not around. They need you to say that you don’t appreciate racist jokes when you hear them. They need you to say that you aren’t going to sit in a conversation that revolves around intolerance because YOU don’t agree with it when it comes up in a group of white friends, family or colleagues. (Here’s a reference document if you’re not used to this kind of confrontation.) Your black friends know that you aren’t Derek Chauvin, they need you not to be the other three cops either.

Don’t ask your black friends what you can do to be a better ally.  Imagine how many things you research on a daily basis. “What movie has that guy been in?” “How do I make soap?” “Are there washable shower curtains?” We have these amazing little devices right in our pockets that we’re happy to whip out whenever we want to know something. There are lots of books, blogs, podcasts, movies, videos, etc already out there that POC have put their energy into so that everyone can benefit. Your POC friends are already emotionally exhausted. You want to help them. Do this work on your own.

If you decide to ask your black friends about their experiences with racism, consider these things FIRST.  Step 1: Before even approaching your friend, say to yourself, “This is my friend. I trust what they say to be true. I will not get defensive regardless of how uncomfortable their story makes me. I recognize that they are telling the truth and sharing an experience that was very hurtful to them. I will say nothing to negate their words. I will be nothing but supportive.” If you can’t say those things truthfully to yourself, you’re not ready to ask your friend about their personal experiences yet. If you are able to say these things to yourself, move on to Step 2: Ask your friend if they have the emotional bandwidth for this discussion and be ready to gracefully accept ‘no’ if that is their answer.  Step 3: Be prepared to take responsibility for any discomfort or guilt that you may hear upon listening to your friend and do not expect them to make you feel better. It’s not their responsibility. Step 4: Be prepared to sit with what you’ve heard and learned and digest it. If you decide to process your feelings later (with a white friend/partner) speak in generalizations and do not betray your friend’s confidence by identifying them with specifics. If your friend has asked you specifically not to say anything about what they tell you, then keep it to yourself and journal about it or talk to a therapist if you’re really having difficulties. 

At first, a lot of my reading involved first hand stories and news about what was happening immediately. Recently, I’ve been doing work to investigate both liberal and conservative views on this movement. It may come as no surprise that most papers at least agree that violence is wrong. (To illustrate, here’s an unbelievable headline from FOX23. Unbelievable in the sense that I find it horrifying that this even happened.) However, there are some points that I want to give my opinion on. I read, in depth, an article in the National Review and the comments that were attached and it made my hair stand on end. These were obviously educated people who were either willfully blind or in a very solid bubble of privilege that they have no interest in stepping outside of.

What about the looting and destruction? These protests have so much energy behind them because people have been pushed to the breaking point. Additionally, more people are ‘waking up’ to the pervasiveness of the problem because there are fewer distractions able to be thrown at them and now that they’re aware, they cannot let it stand any longer. Even the CEO of Target, one of the stores hit hard by looters, stands by the protests. Regardless of the fact that evidence points toward white groups being responsible for most of the damage and police being responsible for instigating most of the violence (it takes only a second to google this, but I’ve done it for you here and here the fact should remain that people’s lives and quality of life should be worth more than things.

What about COVID-19? The World Health Organization itself has come out in support of safe protesting with regards to racial injustice. Remember when people were protesting their right to a haircut a few weeks ago? Current spikes are more likely to be related to premature openings. However, in a few weeks, people who’s lungs have been weakened by teargas could add to the number. Maybe we should stop gassing peaceful protesters?

But don’t All Lives Matter? They should. All lives should matter equally. Unfortunately, our system isn’t set up this way. And if you are a white person in America, the system is even set up so that it is possible for you to be ignorant of how skewed it is because it is skewed in your favor. If you got defensive when you read that, I want you to take a moment to consider why. If you’re mind is coming up blank, and you’re still feeling huffy at me, take a minute to ask yourself a few questions. Quick, think of your favorite movies of all time. Now, how many BIPOC are in them? Now, think of the last five books you read. How diverse were the authors? Think of the ten people you spend the most time with. When you go about your daily life, to the store, to the bank, to a group meeting, think of the faces you see. You see where I’m going with this? If you’re feeling uncomfortable, that’s okay. Change isn’t comfortable. Lean into it and not away. No one wants to take anything from you, they just want the same treatment as you.  As far as the police, I believe that the system is failing us there too. And failing them. This article says it better than I can.

If you’re new to this perspective and you’re feeling overwhelmed, I understand. It’s okay to take a break, but do come back and try and go deeper. Do your own research. Find out where you fit in. It may take a bit, and you may try and get it wrong. I found that this was my big fear initially. What if I do this the wrong way and someone yells at me and attacks me personally? Thus far, in my fumbling attempts at “being better,” overall, I have received encouragement. I’ve been open to being corrected by POC, and had decided that I would accept whatever correction and direction I was given by them in my effort to grow. Thus far, I haven’t received any feedback from the BIPOC community. I have received very few personal attacks, and what I have received has been by other white women, who don’t know me, that have determined my efforts inadequate.

The POC have a right to their anger, other white women don’t. And while that will feel hurtful if it happens to you, I have advice to give pertaining those types of interactions. Everyone’s journey is different. It may take some people longer to find out how they are able to make positive action. Everyone has to act in a way that feels authentic to them. Anyone just throwing up ‘black lives matter’ on social media and then dusting off their hands and saying ‘Done!’ isn’t helping. Anyone reposting diatribes that don’t feel authentic to them is disingenuous. Let people find their way, with gentle suggestions and encouragement if needed. A white person berating another white person, who is genuinely trying to navigate themselves out of their privilege bubble, will more likely turn the latter off of doing this work than spur them to greater efforts.

I know that it can be difficult to know where to start. I’ll offer a few things that I’m trying in the event that they’re helpful to you.  If you’re a runner, read this (several additional resources also linked therein). Short of cash and feeling adrift in all the information that’s out there? Here’s a free online talk TONIGHT with Robin DiAngelo, Phd., author of White Fragility.   Ready to do more, but want some structure? My friend, Allison, turned me on to this 21 day challenge, complete with a variety of different media links and suggestions. This is great if you’re someone who enjoys assignments and ticking off of boxes. 

If you’re thinking, “Okay, maybe I’ve changed my mind about a few things, but if I take a different stance, that makes me a hypocrite, doesn’t it?” No! It doesn’t. It means that you’re brave enough to admit that you were wrong about something and that you’re willing to open your mind and grow as a person.  Those are not easy things, but they’re good things.

Let’s also take a moment to recognize that we’re privileged to be able to be doing the work to educate ourselves about this rather than having to learn it by experiencing it every day of our lives. Wouldn’t it be great if we could work so that no one had to experience it?

I am open to respectful discussion with anyone who wants to have it.  Thanks for reading.