2020 has been a year of reinvention.

In 2019, there was a big focus on less screen time, more face to face interaction. Get off your phone, have coffee with a friend. I remember reading an article that discussed research that had been done on all modes of electronic communication and their effects on relationships. Text messaging, FaceTime, Facebook, Instagram, etc. In a nutshell, all of them had varying degrees of negative effects (with some exceptions) other than FaceTime.

A happy Zoom call with friends from three different states!

FaceTime was deemed valuable to relationship maintenance and growth because you are able to pick up nuances such as tone of voice and facial expression. Non-verbal cues, it turns out, are important to our social interactions. I’ve thought about that often since so many of us have had to move our businesses to digital this year.

This pandemic has been an emotional rollercoaster for many of us. There’ve been periods of catatonia and periods of extreme growth (at least on my end). One aspect that I have appreciated from the beginning and throughout has been the relative ease of setting up video calls with friends from all over. Suddenly everyone has time to video chat with their friend from out of town.

The discussions have been interesting too. From work, to family, to how we’re moving out business online and of course, the state of the world and politics. I’ve had a lot of really good conversations. Even with some people who have different perspectives. I’ve learned who I can have a good conversation with. I’ve learned who will listen and who just wants to talk. Some of my friendships have grown! Some aspects of business have grown. And I’ve been attacking some long term goals lately.

Don’t get me wrong, I spent some time getting my bearings. I definitely was not kicking ass and taking names throughout this entire pandemic. As anyone who’s been reading for a while definitely knows.

For me, at least, the intense focus has forced some additional clarity. This has been both beneficial and, at times, painful. It’s been a time of letting go. Some things are difficult to let go of, but it’s time. Some are just temporary losses. And some things are just no longer supporting growth and happiness. Amazingly during this time, I’ve gained something for everything I’ve let go.

Change is inevitable. It’s actually the one thing you can count on.

When I moved to Nashville, I had two friends in Chicago who reacted badly. Two separate people who did not associate with each other. Both of them knew that I had been working and planning for a move for years and that this was something that I really wanted.

I’m so happy that I’ve moved. It doesn’t matter that it’s been a bumpy ride. I love it here.

One of them I saw regularly and she would occasionally mention reasons to stay for a little longer. Or reasons that I shouldn’t leave. If I pointed out something that made me happy, she would say “see, you should stay!” This was usually quickly followed by an acknowledgement that she knew that this was something I wanted and needed and understood why I was going to do it. The other friend was not someone I saw as regularly, but someone that I had known for years. He was someone who would say plainly that he wanted me to be happy in so many words.

When I got the chance to move earlier than anticipated and things fell in place so that I would even be moving with a job in place, both of these friends reacted badly. The first one basically severed our friendship, claiming that it was something else, but never telling me what this nebulous reason was. She refused to take my calls and refused to tell me over text what happened. Friend number two wrote me a long, dramatic email about how he was never going to see me again (although my going away party was publicly posted and in a public bar) and how he hoped I would come back for his funeral when he died. I really didn’t know how to answer. After reading it a couple of times, I realized that there was no reason for me to answer because this email wasn’t about me. There was not one single question asked for me to even respond to. This email was completely about his feelings.

Although both of these people claimed to be great friends, they were only great friends within their own set of rules. They wanted me to be happy only if my being happy made them happy. They cared nothing about my personal growth or accomplishments unless it benefited them or at least didn’t affect them in any way at all. As soon as I behaved in a way that was outside of their control, I was ‘lost’ to them.

I am specifically using examples from over a year ago because often it takes that long to look back and learn from an experience of loss. However, I have lost relationships during this time also. And that’s okay! I have surprisingly gained amazing relationships during this time!

Every Sunday, I have an online writers group. This started out as a replacement for a larger group that met in person. It took a while, but eventually the online group became very efficient. Instead of printing out the pages we wanted feedback on, we would use google docs and share them. Instead of seeing the pages for the first time that day, we could comment ahead of time and come prepared with feedback. I enjoyed it.

After some restrictions were lifted, many from the main group chose to go back to in person meetings in an outdoor park where they could socially distance. A few of us didn’t feel safe doing that yet. Some because of health issues and myself because I work in a high contact industry and didn’t want to risk bringing the infection to more people in the event that I came in contact with an infected person. We chose to stay online. We moved our meeting time so that anyone who wished could go to both meetings.

Our online group began to go in depth. We became so efficient, we began submitting much longer pieces. We became beta readers for each other. We got comfortable with each other and as a result, we began to give some tough love. Some of those sessions were very hard to sit through. When you have something that you’ve been working on, that you’ve thrown a lot of yourself into, it’s difficult to hear criticism. Especially when everyone agrees.

Every instance of tough love was followed by some private wound licking, then usually some hard work and always a better written section. And not only did my work get better, I now have fellow writers cheering me on. We’ve become confidants and advisors. We’re a strong little circle and we never would have discovered this if we hadn’t been forced to change the way our group operates.

I don’t normally include the work of others in my entries, but as this entry has focused on the influence of people, whether they choose to be present or absent, on one’s journey, I think that this once, it’s appropriate.

I’m going to close with two quotes that have inspired my week and have consequently inspired this entry. The first is by Elizabeth Gilbert; “Watch for the people whose eyes light up when you talk about your dream. Those are the people you keep.”

The second is by one of my favorite writers from childhood, Shel Silverstein; “Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.

Please keep chasing your dreams, my friends. And allow them to morph and grow in a million different, unexpected ways. I’m rooting for you.

Listen to the mustn'ts...