Hanging on to pockets of light

It’s easy these days to get lost in the flood of ‘not right.’ 

I saw a meme early this morning that said we should have the Oompa Loompa’s sing us a song after every month of 2020 telling us what lesson we were supposed to have learned from this terrible experience. If for some reason you’ve never seen the first Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie, truly awful things do happen to (mostly bad) kids (but still). When I was in first grade they showed us this movie and I had to be taken out of the room to go read quietly in another classroom because I was terrified. Of course, the movie eventually ends, as will this year.

But what if next year is just as bad? What if it’s worse? 

Everything’s still on fire, just on a much larger scale. With less firemen.

It’s easy to go down that road. Even 2019 wasn’t especially kind to me, but I got through it all. I’m still here. However, 2020 seems to me to be just a continuation. Yes, things are worse on a global scale now and yes, new terrible things keep happening, but hasn’t it been that way for a couple of years? 

I never set it was a great mindset.

Let me switch gears for a moment. Don’t worry, we’ll be back here shortly. 

Aang and Cloud are four months old now. The same age Jake was when I got him. We’ve had them for a little over two months. In a way it feels longer, but it’s also flown by.  They are pockets of joy in my daily life. 

Recently we brought them on their first road trip to visit my parents for Labor Day. (We’ve all been carefully social distancing.) My dad asked me if the kittens kept my mind off Jake. Well, no, not really. In fact, they remind me of Jake often. It’s strange to have room for so much love in my heart at the same time, but it is there. The kittens don’t cuddle like Jake does. I miss that a lot. Neither Aang nor Cloud let me spoon-hug them like Jake did. Most cats don’t like that, honestly, Jake was unique. But Aang runs up to me and hugs my leg, which I love. Cloud likes to ride on my shoulder and bury his face in my hair. They’re new, they’re awesome, they do remind me of Jake, but somehow in a way that makes it hurt less.

There are steep uphills, that are harder, but they’re over more quickly. I think it’s the long uphills that aren’t really bad, but don’t give you a break for a while that are actually more challenging.

I don’t think I realized how much low grade emotional pain I’ve been in for how long. Nothing serious! I mean, yes, there were bouts of seriousness, but all perfectly manageable. Looking back though, I feel like there have been waves of crap for a while. And after a few waves, you get used to the rhythm. There’ve been good things too, after all. I’ve never had it that bad. Things can always get worse. Always.

A while back, I wrote about all of the healthy patterns I had developed before I moved to Nashville and how I had begun working to establish them here before the fire. Then there was a period of time where I was focused on survival and I let most of them drop. And that was okay and understandable. The entry that I wrote spoke of how some of them were starting to come back. The interest was sparking again, I was starting to gain traction again. Then I believe there was another wave. The tornado, the pandemic. Jake.

Aang and Cloud are starting to show us their personalities. Aang is vocal. He likes to talk. Jake was like that. Cloud will talk, but not as often. He doesn’t narrate every move. Aang is a hunter. He likes to chase and eat flies (thank god) and Cloud is happy to let him do that. Although Aang is bigger by at least a pound, Cloud is the bully at the food bowl. Even though they have two bowls, and Aang lets Cloud start eating first, Cloud will shove Aang out of the way of whatever bowl he’s eating out of and make him switch bowls - twice - before he lets him eat in peace. Cloud also does not share toys well. And Aang lets Cloud have his way.

You’d think Cloud would be the ‘leader’ but Aang is the more fearless one. In a new place, Aang is the first one to explore. He’s the first to be comfortable with new people. He’s the first one to jump to the high places and explore the new nooks and crannies. And in a new place, Cloud will yowl if he cannot find Aang. Aang will let you carry him, but Cloud will come sit on your lap. I’ve enjoyed learning about their personalities.

As unflattering as it is, I love this picture. I’m obviously exhausted, but I’m thrilled because I have an armload of kittens.

I was resistant to adopting at first when we lost Jake. Sixteen years is a big chunk of life. It’s sad to lose someone who’s been a part of it for so long. There was a part of me - irrationally, I know - that felt like to get a new pet would be to try and replace Jake. To forget him. I knew it wasn’t true, but it just felt better to resist. 

I don’t think I realized how much I needed these little pockets of joy in my life until the good habits started becoming easier again. The coping mechanisms were suddenly less necessary. Getting up early was something I began enjoying again. I’m no longer just doing what has to be done, I’m getting things done and I’m making progress. Creating goals. 

It seems silly, but I really do think that it’s all down to letting myself love something that’s pure innocence and joy in a place where there’s not much left. As I say to my students occasionally when recommending a certain punch technique, “I don’t remember the science behind it, but it works and there’s a good reason for it, just try it.”

I don’t know why it works, but it is working. And I’m going to hang on to it right now. Forgive me if your social media feeds are flooded with pictures of my kittens.