Re-Learning 'Normal'

Last week I had friends over for an outdoor, socially distanced birthday party. Some of us are vaccinated, some aren’t, but all five of those present have been exceedingly careful the entire year. My friend’s birthday was on a Saturday and she has plans to leave Nashville after she graduates law school. We wanted to observe this one.

This is not about to be a story about how to observe social distancing. It’s not even going to be a story about how lax social distancing goes wrong. This is a story about how we don’t know how to behave anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, the party was great and everyone was safe. 

I had been looking for an excuse to get Edison lights strung up in my backyard since we moved here. We moved almost exactly a year ago and had never been able to have an outdoor party. I had set up an outdoor table/bar situation, imagining all of the times we’d have people over. Dean and I did use it a couple of times. We shifted the party up to 2pm so that we could enjoy some warmth. 

Plastic wrapped utensils, saved from deliveries that had never been used, unique choices of glasses so no one would ‘lose’ theirs, glass plates to hold snacks to bring back to your area for safe, distanced consumption. I really had a blast bringing out the serving items.

I had a great time being stressed about getting everything ready. Dean and I planned out shopping trips days in advance. (We actually have to leave the house to get things because actual live people are coming over!) The night before and the day of we were vacuuming, cleaning, food prepping, even though we knew people weren’t going to be inside the house unless they needed to use the bathroom or wanted to see the cats, we felt the need to have it clean. At one point, I was searching out and locating all of the different trays we have for food display and laying sliced cheese out on my great-grandmother’s silver tray thinking, “I forgot how damn good I am at hosting.”

There were a few other things I’ve also forgotten.

Since the party was at 2pm, one of my friends asked if there was an end time. I said that I hadn’t really put one since it was at a weird time. I had figured it would just die down and people would filter out. Most of the people I had invited, including the birthday girl, weren’t raucous partiers, so I felt no need to put an end cap on the day. I figured maybe we’d watch the sunset and then everyone would totter home.

I forgot about how I am incapable of ending a party once it’s started. Here’s a direct quote from a pre-pandemic, pre-Nashville party; “No, no, you guys talk as long as you like, I’m just going to take a nap on the couch. I like falling asleep while people are talking. Just let yourselves out whenever you’re done.” So the party wound down with the two remaining introverts in states of collapse, while the two remaining extroverts continued on for a bit. 

Once everyone was gone, Dean (extrovert) passed out. I was too exhausted and jacked up from having interacted with several non-family people for the first time in a year to go to sleep, so I started cleaning. I also texted several people to see if they were awake to talk to me while I cleaned. (My in-laws all checked on me the next day to make sure I was okay.) And I did end up having a nice conversation with a friend in Chicago and getting the house cleaning up.

I also forgot how no matter how late I go to bed, or what I get done while I’m awake, I cannot sleep in. So I woke up at 7am. I was exhausted. Bone tired. My legs were actually sore. I have no idea why, I’ve been training for races (my own little private ones and virtual ones) this entire year but my legs were sore. I still teach group fitness live. The last time they were sore was when I went running in the snow during our snowstorm week. I expected that. It was unusual activity. I didn’t really anticipate hosting to be that taxing. However, it is an unusual activity now.

I am sure that some of it had to do with how much we’d drank, but I was completely burnt out the following day. Dean and I listened to Harry Potter on audiobook for most of the day. Around 1pm, I developed a migraine. Eventually I went for a walk outside around 6pm. I’m glad I did it, it felt good to get out of the house, but I was exhausted. Dean and I crawled into bed at around 7:30. 

Monday I still felt drained.

This was the first time in over a year that I had seen Haley.

All of this to say that we are no longer used to this. We no longer have the skills to regulate the emotional highs and lows that come with prepping for a party (I was excited for weeks beforehand) for setting boundaries (for heaven’s sake, I was asked about an end time) and we no longer have that certain faith that we’ll see each other again soon. Yes, my friend has plans to move, but I will see her again before she does. And probably afterward.

This entire year has been a weird emotional balancing act. We’ve learned how to cope with only a few people in our inner circle. We’ve learned to consider Zoom Parties regular, where we bring our own booze and food, dress up as much as we want, or don’t and go to bed seconds after we decide we’ve had enough. 

Any in person socialization has been, not only carefully planned, but few and far between. We don’t know when we’re going to get that again. And normally it’s one on one. You get to concentrate all of your energy on the one person you’re meeting. Suddenly spreading my energy out over multiple beings, at least one of whom I hadn’t seen in over a year, was overwhelming. I also forgot how to direct my energy. I lost the ability to have the side conversation. As a result, most of the actual conversation I had with the one person I hadn’t seen in forever happened right as she was leaving, when I walked her through the house to her car so she could see the cats on her way out. 

Aang helped me wrap.

I’m getting my first shot the day after my birthday. Somehow this has overshadowed my actual birthday. I’m counting down the days until my shot, skipping over the day I’ve marked all my life. And I hope to start having more safe interaction with people.

One thing I think we all need to remember is that humans are very adaptable. We have adapted to this life. We’re going to need to give ourselves some time to adapt to the next one too.