I have no photos that illustrate what I’m trying to say here. So, enjoy this picture of me with a dragon.

We’re in an interesting time of awareness.

People are trying to become more socially aware, more self aware, and more aware of self-care. There’s resistance to this of course, and that comes in all kinds of layers. Today I’m focusing on self-awareness and self-care. Giving and receiving.

To make sure we’re all on the same page, I’m going to quickly define both. For the purposes of this post, self awareness is an awareness of not only how you move through the world, but how you affect the world you move around in. This includes the other beings moving around the world with you. Many people who cause ‘accidental’ harm do so because they lack self awareness and often empathy.

Self-care is the act of checking in internally to make sure that you’re taking care of your own needs. This is especially important for people who are natural nurturers and empaths. They usually have high self awareness already and often have a tendency to drain themself while giving to others.

There are people who have taken this the opposite way, however. People who already have a high sense of their own boundaries, are skilled at setting them, but have latched on to the idea that everyone else should have more awareness, and perhaps even that they deserve some more self care.

Now I’m not saying that everyone shouldn’t strive to be self aware, and everyone deserves self care. But there are people out there ready to take more than they give and it’s important to be aware of this.

Did you know that cats and rabbits actually get along well together as pets because when the cat washes the rabbit, they both think they’re the dominant one in the relationship?

In cases like this, it’s fine. Who cares who’s on top? If the cat enjoys doing the washing and the rabbit likes being washed, everyone’s happy here, no problem to solve. I have a friend who loves prepping for parties. She got enthusiastic about decorating for my birthday and prepping food as her gift to me. This was thrilling for me. Her birthday is very close to mine, so I asked her what we’d do for hers. She doesn’t want a party. Doesn’t care for them. So I’ll be taking her out to brunch instead. I’m happy, I don’t have to decorate or food prep anything, yet I feel very cared about and celebrated. She’s happy, she gets to be artistic and she doesn’t have to be the center of attention, but she still feels loved by getting some quality time in the way she prefers.

Everything doesn’t need to be equal, but things do have to be balanced. This is where self awareness comes in. In this scenario, we both give and take in a way we both are happy with.

It would be unbalanced if I had just said, “Hey, this is great, thanks so much for decorating!” and then merely sent her a text with some emojis on her birthday without trying to discover something that she would also enjoy.

I have dragon pictures and I’m leaning in.

I have another friend in my writers group who loves to throw our manuscripts into outlines and give a detailed analysis of where our midpoints are, how our story structure falls, and offer suggestions for improvement based on that. It’s a ton of work! But her brain works that way, this is how she likes to look at writing.

I’m not able to do that. It would be torture for me. However, I will give her manuscript a full, in depth read and then give notes on the particular elements that I enjoyed, and those that didn’t ring true for me and why. I’ll also brainstorm lots of other ways she could go instead. She’s happy with this. She already knows how to do the outline and structure. She wants outside ideas to inspire her when she’s stuck.

What would be imbalanced, is if I simply skimmed her manuscript, landed on the comments others had already made, and just bounced off of their work. What if we get into discussion time and she has specific questions about a scene or a character? My input won’t be as valuable if I haven’t given the entire thing a read. My advice may actually even be faulty if I’ve missed some nuances.

Now, all give and take is not going to be immediate. This is where it’s important to check in with your feelings and also appreciate the people who make your life better.

If you’re an empath, or a nurturer, or you’re someone who’s done the work to be self aware and make sure that you’re paying attention to the needs of those around you, it can be very bruising at first when you give a lot to someone and then feel unappreciated or unreciprocated when it’s your turn. Yes, forgiveness is important, but if you find yourself forgiving over and over again, you’re neglecting your own self-care. Some people will tell you that they’re working on their self care by not giving you the time or appreciation that you want, but if their self-care allows you to give and them only to receive, if this isn’t a rabbit/cat situation, then it’s time to step back and look at some things.

Here are my suggestions in no particular order:

You cannot control other people, you can only control your reactions. If friend A calls friend B with problems and friend B is always there to listen, support, and offer advice—barring times when B has to work, do childcare, etc.—and then the time comes when friend B has a problem but friend A is suddenly too busy to listen, what happens? Aside from B feeling unsupported? B can talk to A, and maybe A will listen and change their behavior, but in my experience, this is not the norm. B needs to set boundaries that make her feel comfortable, which may include not listening to all of A’s draining problems if A is not returning that care when B needs it.
Time invested does not justify more time invested (See also, What’s Love Got To Do With It? - sometimes absolutely nothing). Sometimes you have to cut your losses. I had a relationship once that was very one sided. But I had been with this person for years and he owed me a lot of money because he just kept taking and taking. Finally, I just said enough. I didn’t care about the money, I just knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. He was floored. He was the only person surprised when we broke up. My next long term boyfriend was also the only person surprised when I ended it. Why? Because it’s not that I had been silent about my unhappiness or what I needed. It’s just that after having given them so many chances, they never believed I was going anywhere. They were happy with where things were and, in their heart of hearts, didn’t care enough about my happiness to make any changes. It was painfully difficult both times because I genuinely loved them and they said they loved me, but it fell on me to make that change. And I only wish I had done it sooner in both cases, but I’m so glad I didn’t wait longer.
Pay attention to how they support others. As you move through life, you’ll have less and less patience for these things. But when you’re figuring it all out, is there a litmus test for new people in your life? What if they just slipped up with me this one time or they were busy. If you are feeling hurt, examine those feelings and ask why. When you get to the bottom of it, if you honestly believe—and it can be helpful to ask an outside party familiar with the situation to check you—that you gave and supported and did not get that support reciprocated, check out how they show up for others. A good example is actors. Actors always want everyone to go to their shows. Especially other actors. If you’ve got a friend who’s always in a show, maybe you’ve made the effort to get to their show, then they don’t show up for yours—obvious excuses aside like your shows are running at the same time or they had a wedding on the only industry night—you may feel snubbed. Check out how many other people’s shows they go to. If they support others frequently, maybe they just missed yours once. If they’re the type that are always asking everyone to come to their events, but aren’t doing so much as sharing your Twitter post about your show, then it’s time to pull back on the effort.
Is it just a busy time for them? Maybe. We all go through stuff. Personally, I have fallen victim to the ‘benefit of the doubt’ too often to give it much. My current policy is to give the benefit of the doubt, but not much else. If they’re busy, fine, but I’ve given a lot already and it’s not been reciprocated. If I don’t know them well already and don’t know if this is a pattern, then I’m only showing up for the things I really feel like showing up for. The benefit of the doubt is there if they decide to show up later, but I can no longer waste energy on it. Life is too short.
Appreciate the hell out of those golden people that make you feel loved and supported. Got a friend who is generous as hell because she makes more than you and doesn’t mind treating you? You better be sending thank you cards. Or finding out how to fill her tank up other ways. Got a friend who took that call at 2am when you just broke up with your boyfriend and cried senselessly for an hour? They’re calling you? It’s a minor inconvenience? Pick up the phone. Support the people that lift you up. Treat them like the precious gems they are, you’ll both be thrilled with each other.

People will disappoint you. They won’t return your calls. They won’t show up to your parties. They won’t appreciate your creative endeavors. They’ll let you down. Making friends is hard. Don’t waste energy on the ones that aren’t giving back. Save that shit for those beautiful, magical souls who lift you up.

People Will Disappoint You