What's the worst time of year to have a stomach ulcer?

To be fair, it might be gallstones, or even GERD, but we won’t know until the 29th because that’s the earliest I can get in for an ultrasound, so we’re treating it like an ulcer. What does that mean? I means nothing fun whatsoever goes into my stomach.

Christmas cookies I made several years ago with my mom’s recipe.

No alcohol, no COFFEE, no sugar, no spicy food, no greasy food, no chocolate, no dairy, and yes, that includes cheese, which is the only dairy I eat. It also means no Advil, which is great when I’m having monster cramps.

I’m one of those people who love the holidays. I love the lights, I love the gift giving, I love baking cookies, I love wrapping gifts, I love to help cook the meals with a glass of wine. And I kind of enjoy letting loose with the diet that one time of year. Pretty glasses of champagne by a sparkling Christmas tree. Dusting sprinkles on festive cookies in a warm kitchen. I even like the travel part. (Once the packing is done. I hate packing.)

I know that the holidays are about more than food, but have you ever noticed how they’re a lot about food?

I’m not someone who eats typical holiday fare either. I’m pescetarian, so no turkey. I really hate potatoes and cranberry sauce and stuffing. I do like green beans. But all of that didn’t matter. I could find something to eat that I liked. It’s just not having a choice. Especially when I eat pretty healthy most of the time.

I can’t even have sparking water. The carbonation is bad.

Salty things set me off, I’ve discovered.

At least I can have bread I suppose. And veggies and hummus.

Packing is going to be even worse this year—Have I packed at all? No. Do we leave this afternoon? Yes.—because I’ll have to bring a lot of bland food with me. I can’t expect to find foods I can eat on the road and I can’t expect that my in-laws will just have them there. And who wants to go to the grocery store on the eve of the eve?

Ever had sparkling Malbec? It’s awesome. And looks great next to a Christmas tree.

I’m trying to look on the bright side. There will be no hangovers this year. I won’t have to worry about gaining weight.

But I was super disappointed and definitely in a bad mood for a couple of days. A few weeks ago, I thought I’d had some bad grapes in a smoothie. (They were really old grapes, honestly.) Because immediately after drinking it, I had cramps so bad I was curling up on the floor in pain. Over the next three days it got better and went away. I was fine for about a week and a half, then they came back with a vengeance the day we hosted Dean’s birthday party. Once again I was curling up on the floor in pain.

I stopped eating and got through the party. Went to another Christmas party the next day and was just terrified to eat or drink anything other than ginger ale. “I think you have an ulcer!” said one of my friends.

Honestly, this had never occurred to me. Had she not said anything, I probably would have just tried to ride it out until after the holidays with some over the counter stuff and avoiding the most painful foods. As it was, I sent a message to my doctor for an appointment that evening and got in two days later. I had blood drawn—which was not tested and no one will tell me what happened, I had to go down there two days later and give another sample—and set up the ultrasound as quickly as I could. But I have to admit, so far it’s acting like an ulcer.

As I’ve mentioned, I’m also having monster cramps and can’t take Advil. And as every grown adult knows, Tylenol is a joke. I’m basically unhappy in my body right now. However, I do look nice.

I’ve told Dean already that I plan on bringing fitted sweaters and a slinky green velvet dress as well as my epic cloak. I don’t even care if we don’t go anywhere fancy. I’m wearing it. This and running are the only things nice about existing in this mortal form right now. That and hopefully this is temporary.

The one nice thing about these stretches of time is that you really appreciate things once you’re through. Ever since I had to stop running, I still appreciate every pain-free mile. Once I crossed that nebulous age line into hormone craziness, now that I’ve found the vitamin compilation that works for me, I soooo appreciate having a more predictable body again. And once I’m through this hurdle, I’ll appreciate being able to have my precious Starbucks again.

Have a fantastic holiday, and eat something awesome for me.