It’s possible—okay, probable—that I’ve always been an anxious person. The more I learn about anxiety and it’s patterns and coping mechanisms, the more I recognize them in myself. But by and large, I’ve always handled it. At least to the point where I never worried about it.

I’ve had bouts of depression a couple of times, one was situational, another was seasonal (although I didn’t know it at the time). When that second one came around, I tried to get help because I knew it was depression and I was seriously struggling. Finding a therapist that took my insurance was an exercise in frustration. And then I ended up with one unhelpful therapist after another. By the time I called it quits with the second one, the sun was out again and I was doing okay.

Due to reasons which I am not going to discuss here, my anxiety has spiked hard lately. It’s taken me some time to recognize it for what it is and part of that has been helpful friends (more than one, many more than one) pointing these behaviors out to me. And telling me it didn’t necessarily have to be like this.

In the event that it may help someone else, here are the patterns of behavior I’ve been made aware of. They’ve all spiked due to recent events, so it’s not always this bad, but here we go!

Inability to focus - This one has been very difficult for me, because I’m normally a productive person who takes great pleasure in crossing things off my hand-written to-do list. I’ve even been known to add an item on there that I have already done so I get the joy of drawing that line through it. Right now, my mind continues to bounce around. When I’m doing okay, I can incorporate this into multitasking, but lately it’s almost impossible to stay on task. It’s super frustrating and means I get much less done and in turn, feel worse about myself.
Nightmares about real life things - I’ve always experienced this to an extent. I just thought it was something funny and particular to my brain. Usually it’s when I’m starting a new job or project that I’m nervous about. Basically I’ll get stuck in a dream about doing the thing, but everything that can go wrong continues to go wrong. For example when I was teaching fitness, I would dream that I was subbing a dance class (one of the few formats I didn’t teach) and that I couldn’t find the room, the room didn’t have enough equipment, my music was lost or not working, etc. Funny once you wake up, not at all restful or enjoyable while asleep.
Self-Isolating - I hate this one because it leads to a spiral where I decide everyone hates me/is mad at me. Even though I know cognitively that’s not the case. So it is both a symptom of, and cause of: anxiety and depression! Yay! It also means I get less done because I just don’t feel like getting back to emails that I need to get back to. I don’t feel like picking up the phone if someone calls. I just don’t have the bandwidth, or they catch me in a bad moment, etc.
Consciously disassociating - I’ve been doing this a TON lately. Basically, if I can listen to an audiobook while doing something, I will listen to an audiobook. If I can read a book instead, I’ll read. I’ll listen to audiobooks in the shower, while getting ready for bed, while driving, while working if the work is rote and doesn’t require me to read. Anything to avoid being alone with my own thoughts. I have burned through a ton of books the past few months. But it’s not healthy to feel uncomfortable when your brain isn’t plugged in to someone else’s story.

So that’s all super fun, but how about coping mechanisms? Briefly, here are a few things I’ve found that work to combat these issues, at least marginally.

Add a mild distraction - I know. Seems weird. Can’t focus? Throw some extra distraction at it. I found this tip online when I started getting desperate. If I put some chill music on a low level in the background, somehow it helps. I can even do it in my noise cancelling headphones. Body doubling also helps. So, either working with someone else in the room, or having someone else on Zoom, not chatting, just setting a timer and working at the same time. The brain is weird.
Nothing - Sadly, I haven’t found a way to get rid of the nightmares. They just are. At least they’re not every night!
Make and keep low-energy appointments - So, you don’t necessarily need to go to a huge party with a bunch of people you don’t know, but make a coffee date with a friend. I go to a book club once a month and really didn’t feel like going this week because I was super busy disassociating, but I made myself go. And I’m glad I did. Since I work from home, workout from home, and reading/writing books is my happy fun thing, I can literally go weeks without peopling if I want. I was starting to get to that point where I had decided no one wanted to see me and that I wasn’t fun to hang out with right now anyway. I wasn’t super conversational, but I did talk to some folks and I felt better when I left. Sometimes you just need to be around people. Even if you’re introverted.
Take a forced break/meditate for five mintes - This is a both or either suggestion. In spite of being a former yoga teacher, I’ve never been amazing at meditation, but I did recognize that it wasn’t healthy to be running away from my own brain so much. I set a timer for a five minute meditation. It went so well that I did ten. And yes, I felt better afterward. Haven’t done it since, maybe I’ll do it after I finish writing this. My other tactic has been forcing myself to stop listening/reading at ‘the next chapter or break’ and looking at my todo list to see what I can manage. Crossing something off makes me feel so much better mentally that I usually try to do one or two other things. Then I can go back in my cave. Baby steps.

At this point, I can hear a bunch of you screaming into the internet to get into therapy. I know, friends. But it’s incredibly difficult to do that when: 1. The last THREE times you tried therapy, you had bad experiences, 2. Therapy is super expensive and money happens to be one of your current stressors, 3. Finding a therapist is just annoying, how do you even do it? Should you try to find one that takes your insurance or would it be cheaper/better to go without insurance? What criteria do you even use? Should you just throw a dart at the computer and pick a name? 4. The anxiety/depression makes me really not feel like doing this very difficult thing.

Don’t worry, I’m not giving up. I go in there and look sometimes. And at some point, I'm sure I’ll pick somebody. Maybe the fourth time will be the charm!

Anxiety? Maybe a little depression? My personal tips and tricks.