Mid-February has long been one of my least favorite times of year. For a few years, Dean and I would schedule a vacation over Valentine’s Day week to somewhere warm just for a dose of sun. The past two years have seen us moving around this time, so we haven’t been able to do it. This has been a better winter for me overall than the winters in Chicago, but I struggled this week.

Look at them sitting over there. Menacing me with their emptiness.

We’re in the midst of packing to move and there are boxes everywhere, which in general makes me anxious. In fact, as soon as they were dropped off (we opted for the more environmentally friendly bins), I felt so overwhelmed that I dove headfirst into a book for two hours and ignored ALL responsibility. (This does not make me feel better.) The constant rain in Nashville has meant very little biking for me the past two weeks, which is something that I like to do. Biking in a little rain is one thing, biking on a road where people aren’t used to bikers in a potential pelting downpour is quite another. I also had to fire an employee on Thursday, I’ve known that it was coming for a while now and it was stressing me out. Mainly because when I gave the same employee corrective action several months ago, he did not handle it well and because he knows where I live, being a resident of the next building over. I also have been training for an upcoming race. The first time I’ve ever been able to train through the winter! While I’ve been training in weather that’s been in the 40s and 50s, we’re getting a cold snap, and the race will be in 20 degrees with winds. So just like my November half marathon; beautiful training weather, horrible, painful race day conditions.

I was handling everything until Wednesday evening when I saw that forecast. (I’m not sure if I was handling it well but I was handling it.) For some reason that forecast was like a punch in the gut. “These are all easy, non-life-threatening, adult things that people deal with all the time,” I told myself, “get a grip.” But I couldn’t, and it didn’t make sense. I couldn’t rationalize myself into a better mood, no matter how much gratitude journaling I did, and I couldn’t think myself into positive action.

Wednesday was a long day. I subbed a 6am class and would be on the go until my last class ended at 8:15pm, pretty much going straight to bed to get up at 4am for my early Thursday. At some point on Wednesday night, waiting for students to come to a class, I texted Dean and confessed to him that I was having that insecure feeling that my friends didn’t want to hang out with me because I had done something wrong that I was unaware of. Even has I texted it, I felt whiny. But I’m glad I did. Dean replied, “It’s seasonal. You’ll feel better once you’re in the sun again.”

I took a moment and thought about it. We have had maybe one sunny day a week in the past month. It’s been constant rain and clouds. I have not been using my Happy Light at all. We’ve been trying to ‘be good’ and grocery shop conservatively, which means I haven’t had seafood or nut mixes in a very long time and I don’t get a lot of Vitamin D, Omega 3s or Zinc in my normal plant-based, non-dairy diet. I had even cut out cheese (my one little dairy vice) in the past few weeks trying to drop a few pounds. Because this was not as crushing as the SAD that I endured back in Chicago, and perhaps because it hasn’t really hit until MUCH later, I hadn’t recognized it, but here I am. It ticks all the boxes; not wanting to get out of bed and get the day started, an unexplained feeling of unease, inability to sleep through the night, the irrational feeling that all of my friends are upset with me, and the beating myself up over not being able to just BE fine and get everything done.

Although it doesn’t make it go away, it was a relief to realize what was going on. Yes, everything I’m dealing with is normal, but my serotonin levels are not.

The good thing is that I know things to do that help. My diet has been pretty good, but I’m adding some fish the next two nights and nuts as soon as the race is done. I’ve been getting exercise, but not as much as normal because of the lack of biking, which I absolutely believe contributes negatively, so I have a new strength training for Runners DVD that I’ll start incorporating. I have been getting outside more than I would in Chicago, which is why I think this started in February rather than November, which is good, and I currently am sitting in front of a blazing Happy Light. And finally, being nicer to myself and walking my brain through some of the anxiety inducing scenarios.

The packing. It will get done and I have asked Dean to help. We’re only moving across the city and as long as our place doesn’t burst into flames right after we move into it, this move will be 1000% better than the last. Perhaps the stress from the last move is a contributing factor to why I reacted so badly to the boxes arriving and that’s okay. Having help will help.

I cannot control the weather, but I can control my reaction to it to a degree. This race will be better than the race in November because I will wear my warmest pants and socks. I will wear my new Christmas running mittens and I will put handwarmers inside them. I will wear more than two layers. I will wear my new running hat rather than just covering my ears with a headband. I will make a new playlist with exciting new music to run to. I will prepare for the very real possibility that I will not get the time I was aiming for because I do not run my best in the cold and just run for the fun of moving and the hot chocolate at the end. Dean will be there supporting me with warm things for when I am done.

This. I’m going to eat the hell out of this.

I had a call with my boss about firing my employee and asked for support as the last such interaction had gone badly. (I should have fired him back then, but wanted to give him a chance to course correct.) Since the corrective action, I’ve had many members tell me that he has made them uncomfortable. The head of security even told me that he had made ‘inappropriate’ comments to his female guards and that he had pulled him aside himself and had a talk with him. I know that firing him was the right decision, but the argumentative way that he behaved with me during the corrective action and the fact that he knows exactly where I live and where I park my bike and car, bothered me. My boss agreed to call in on a video conference and do the termination herself with both of us present. I asked the building if security could be nearby just in case things went south and they agreed and were very supportive. The termination went much better than I anticipated and I am incredibly relieved. I’m also glad that I was with-it enough to ask for help rather than trying to take it all on solo. I fully believe than having my boss do it quickly, professionally and impersonally in a format where he didn’t really have the option to argue made a huge difference.

My friends are not avoiding me. That’s just the SAD lying to me. I’ve done nothing wrong. They would tell me if I had. I may need to back off of Facebook for a while to stop my brain reading into things that aren’t there. Just because someone doesn’t text back immediately doesn’t mean that they’re offended. They could be driving, working, out with people, or have put the phone down and forgotten about it, like I DO ALL THE TIME. This part is just about me talking myself down and I’m getting better at it.

Spring will come, the sun will come back, and I will be ‘normal’ again. In the meantime, I’m going to do my best to take care of myself and stop pressuring for constant action and improvement when I’m tackling a lot. I’ll take one thing at a time and move forward at a slower, safer pace.

So, yes, SAD is real. And just like ‘normal’ depression, no, you can’t just ‘push past it’ sometimes. Sometimes a weather forecast is enough to cause despair when you’re already fighting with your brain. When it first happened to me, I didn’t know what was wrong or how to cope. It happened really quickly and it made everything more difficult. If you’re feeling any of these same things, and aren’t sure why, this could be it. My first winter having it, we went on our normal vacation and it was incredible how it all equalized after a few days of sitting in the sun. It even lasted for another week or so after I got back before the vitamin D levels dropped off again. If you’re dealing with it, I hear you! Come over and sit in front of my Happy Light with me. We can go for a walk and then have blankets and hot chocolate and watch The Princess Bride. Or Shawshank Redemption. I’m not picky.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is real, and it sneaks up on you.