My sister texted me randomly on Wednesday asking about our house search and saying she had found some CDs that I made her back in college. She sent me a lyric and asked me to finish it; “I’m never gonna know you now, but…” and with no hesitation I responded, “I’m gonna love you anyhow.”

KLSU radio station, circa 2000. I don’t think I want to know where those couches came from and if they’re still there.

I remembered burning those CDs at the radio station. I think I made everyone mixed CDs for Christmas that year. That was before the general population had access to CD burners. At the station we mainly used the burner to make clean copies of songs for airplay. I felt very cool and trendy being able to gift mixed CDs when most people were still stuck with mixed tapes.

I haven’t listened to Elliott Smith in a long time. He’s the artist I found ‘by myself’ and followed with anticipation. Stood in line waiting for the music store to open so I could buy his new album. I went to as many of his concerts as I could and, during my tenure at KLSU, even got to interview him once. He was probably on every mixed CD I ever made for anyone. (Unless it was a workout mix. Although I enjoy running to some of his songs, they’re not exactly ‘pump you up’ tunes.) I introduced friends to him. I burned incense and drew charcoal sketches with Elliott playing in the background. I have a framed, autographed set list. I got a lot of free concert tickets in college. I have many autographed things, but that set list is the only one I’ve framed.

I think we all have an artist like this that themed our transition from youth to adult. Or at least, we all should.

The set list in it’s cheap frame. Gaff tape still affixed to the bottom edge.

When I heard that Elliott Smith died, I was on the brown line in Chicago. He had struggled with depression, alcohol and drugs since I had ‘known’ him, so I wasn’t surprised, but I was so very sad. I was even more upset when I learned that the circumstances around his death were suspicious and that he had been clean for a year, supposedly getting shit together. For a long time after that, I would be talking to people about music, which was larger in my life then, and be hit anew with the realization that I would never get to bring this person to an Elliott Smith concert.

After my sister sent me that lyric, I immediately went to my iTunes and discovered that I only had the last two Elliott Smith albums downloaded on the computer. Good thing I never got rid of my box of CDs during my Kondo Klense. They’re in a box upstairs. Sparking joy in times like these.

But it is 2020 and immediate gratification is oft right at our fingertips. As I was already sitting at the computer, I YouTubed Waltz #2 so that I could listen to it without further delay. A live recording came up, I listened to all of it and it was good, but I thought maybe I’d also like to hear the studio track. I searched.

Against all odds and probability, my search led me to a live recording of an entire Elliott Smith concert at the Howlin’ Wolf in New Orleans on October 20, 2000. Three years and one day before his death.

I was at that show.

The footage is grainy and pixelated and taken from the balcony, but the sound is clear. Some thoughtful person has put time stamps for each song in the comments. I was in the front row. My set list is from that show. In fact, if you watch a few seconds before the encore, you can see my arm reach out and grab his set list off the stage. This was a bold act for me at the time. One I do not regret.

Here’s my friend John helping me with my sudden eviction. We managed to have a ball and obviously even documented the event.

October of 2000. I had just come back from a year abroad in England and was having a difficult time reassimilating. I would get my theatre degree in December and my Mass Comm degree the following May. I was taking 21 class hours, working at the radio station in production and doing two shows. I was somehow also finding time to work out because I had come back from England with some extra weight. I was living with a passive aggressive, spoiled, wasteful roommate who would later move out of our apartment early, tell the office that our place was empty and basically end up getting me evicted with a week and a half to go before my new place was ready. (I ended up staying in a studio apartment with two other girlfriends and having an amazing, ridiculous New Years week.) I was exhausted and lost, trying to re-find my place among friends who had all changed and adjusted to my year-long absence, and also figuring out what I was going to do outside of the sanctuary of college once the diplomas were procured. I had decided to move to Chicago, sight unseen, to do theatre, because I hadn’t had the ‘this is your life direction’ epiphany that I had expected in my year abroad.

And during all that time I had Elliott Smith.

Life seemed so uncertain and complicated. Looking back, it was so much simpler. No Facebook, no Instagram. There were emails, but you weren’t expected to check them every minute, even every day. You could still meet people at the gate when their airplane arrived. I think I miss that the most. I don’t mourn the other changes much, but as much as I would enjoy being younger in some ways, I really do appreciate that I got to experience that time. It gives me an appreciation for both, and a true knowledge that life can, actually, exist if I leave my phone at home sometimes.

Slinky’s. Baton Rouge. I spent most of age 20 banned from this bar (story for another post) and celebrated my 21st birthday there. I used to be pretty good at pool!

I can’t believe that was twenty years ago. I didn’t have a clue that I’d spend almost two decades in Chicago and then leave it for Nashville. I didn’t know that I’d have a Jake and have lost a Hedwig. Hell, my future husband was twelve years old at the time! GROSS!! Millennial cooties.

There’s a good possibility I’ll see another twenty years. I’m sure things will be just as unrecognizable. I wonder if I’ll look back on my ‘young’ self with affection and appreciation for her trials and enthusiasms. I hope I’ll appreciate her adventures. And present me hopes that I’m doing enough to take care of Future Meredith and make her happy and proud. I am trying.

Do me a favor when you’re done reading this. Go and find a song you loved from twenty years ago and listen to it. (If applicable. Millennials, you may do ten, Xennials can do five years.) Think of where you were and what you were doing. What you thought of the future and where you were headed. What you were going to survive in the time between then and now. What you were going to accomplish. Take a moment to appreciate Past You and what they did to set you up for where you are now. Then think of Future You and what you’d like to do to take care of them. And then finally, take really good care of Present You. She’s been through a lot, and she’s still got things she wants to do.

A future butterfly, gonna spend the day
Higher than high
You'll be a beautiful confusion, ooh
Once I was you

At a gas station en route to Chicago. June, 2001.

I saw you caught between all the people out
Making a scene
In a bright, ideal tomorrow, ooh
Don't go too far, stay who you are

Everybody knows
You only live a day
But it's brilliant anyway

~ Elliott Smith, Independence Day

Mix-tape memories * I'm gonna love you anyhow