That’s me in the purple teaching a self defense class. I just taught that girl how to throw someone off of her. SO much more fun than accounting.

One of the things I enjoy about Facebook is the Memories, or “On This Day” section. It’s the only thing I really missed when I gave it up for a season a year or so back. I enjoy looking back and seeing fun things that we all did, vacations, adventures, time with friends from far away, et cetera, but I also enjoy seeing how far I’ve come. Early on in my Facebook tenure, I made a lot of posts about how miserable I was working an office job. Every time I see one of those posts about crying at my desk, I’m so happy that Past Meredith took the leap and completely changed careers. Yes, what I’m doing is unpredictable and constantly challenges me, but I’m so much happier day to day, minute to minute.

Today there was a post from a couple of years ago where I was lamenting not following my own good advice. “Did I listen to myself? No.” I quoted myself as saying. I also quoted Dean as replying, “You listen to yourself far too often anyway.” Which was funny and why I posted the conversation. In another memory, I posted about my best friend Natasha watching me cross something else off a list and saying, “I wish I was a little more like you. … But only a little.” (In checking for that exact quote, my memories also told me that the jacket I’ve been wearing all day is almost ten years old. When did all of my clothes start reaching double digit ages?)

I was in a yoga class once, not sure what pose I was attempting, only that it was an Ashtanga class, so there are always levels, but my instructor gave me some kind of option and finished her suggestion with, “because I know you always have to be striving for something.” I don’t even remember if it was a standing or seated pose, but I remember her comment. It was a class I went to regularly, but she didn’t know much about me and we never became friends outside of class (although I thought she was pretty cool and would have had no objections) so it was interesting to me that she made that observation.

There’s a Japanese term, ‘kaizen’ which translates basically to ‘constant improvement’ or ‘change for the good.’ When I first heard the term I liked the concept right away. Who wouldn’t want to be always bettering themselves, right? Doesn’t everyone want to be the best version of themselves that they can be? You can’t put that shit off, either, what if you die tomorrow? I then looked up ‘kaizen’ to try and get a better grasp of the philosophy and … it originated from manufacturing.

Don’t get me wrong, I still think that the concept is applicable, but it did give me pause. Bear with me while I shift gears for a moment.

In September of 2014, I was hit by a truck while biking to work in the morning. The guy was trying to beat a light and took a left turn into me. My right shoulder was separated, among other injuries, but I was okay and after physical therapy would basically make a full recovery. My bike, on the other hand, was not salvageable. I got a new bike, but I was pissed. Everything hurt. I had been training for the marathon, I was in yoga teacher training, and suddenly I was much less functional. But because I was in teacher training, I named my new bike ‘Santosha.’

After my first ride with Santosha. It terrifying. But we got through it.

Santosha basically means to be content with things as they are. I could have died. I could have been much more severely injured. The guy could have sped off and left me there instead of calling the police (which happened the next time I got hit). But none of those things happened. (Not that you should ever tell someone that if they’ve just dealt with a very severe life circumstance. Yes, it could always be worse, but it could also always be better.) Regardless, I wanted to be appreciative of the fact that I had a bike at all and that I could still ride one.

Kaizen comes naturally to me. Santosha, not as much. I’ve had to work very diligently at appreciating the moment (and I have been consciously working on this for over a decade). To me, it’s funny, in order to have ‘kaizen’ I need to work on ‘santosha.’ And they seem like such opposite things. Change for the better, but be happy with where you are. I am, of course, simplifying both concepts, but are they opposite things?

I’ve accepted a great deal of change into my life lately. Everything I’ve done this year has been new. And I’ve done my best to step into it all. “This is hard/scary/new right now, but it will only make me better.” And it’s true! And it has. And I am. And I’m tired. But I push.

I like gardening and taking care of plants. It slows me down and calms my brain. It feels productive, so it doesn’t activate my inner task master, but it’s relaxing at the same time.

The past couple of weeks I’ve been really pushing. Last night I even said to Dean, “I just want to be the best that I can possibly be.” I think I was lamenting the fact that I didn’t get any writing in that day. Part of this is that I’ve only just recently started feeling like I’m capable of this kind of internal improvement and external productivity again. And I’m seeing and feeling positive results. I want to lean into it. No. I want to dive into it.

I’m also getting better at listening to myself, setting boundaries and noticing when I begin exhibiting signs of exhaustion or irritability. I’ve had some extreme nightmares the past few nights. All of them having to do with different areas I’m stretching myself in life right now. This is normal, my subconscious is working through some insecurities and worst-case-scenario fears. The past couple of weeks have been particularly ‘industrious’, let’s say, at work, and for the past two days I’ve been really on myself mentally about some small organizational tasks that keep sliding to the wayside and some big internal changes that I feel like I should be able to make like switching on a light bulb. Really going for the kaizen, here!

The thing is, it’s too much right now. The reason these things have been falling by the wayside is because I’ve been prioritizing out of necessity. The reason I’m fretting about these new behaviour patterns I want to integrate is that I just don’t have the mental bandwidth. While I crave the good change and constant improvement, I need the Santosha to get their effectively.

One of the reasons that I take so many sunset pictures is that it helps me slow down and appreciate the moment and the day that I’ve had.

Even as I write this, there’s a part of me that’s telling me that I might just be making excuses and being lazy. But when I take a moment and look at how far I’ve come, and feel how tired my eyes are, I know that it’s not true. And if you’re anything like me, perhaps this is something you need to hear too; real change takes time and effort. In order to give sustained effort over a length of time, you have to have the fortitude to do so. Give yourself rest. Gradual change is better than no change at all, or a change for the worse.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that every big change is like a new floor in a stairwell. You can take a moment to turn around in that flat space before sprinting up the next flight of steps. And if you need a breather, these can be good places to take them.

Start with being content where you are, accept it, then go forward.

Balancing constant improvement with current contentment