The Earth is quieter, are your internal voices louder?

Anyone else feel like the Earth just sent us all to our rooms to think about what we’ve done?

I’ve seen a lot of meme’s based on that statement, but it resonates on a scale both large and small. Residents in northern India can see the Himalayas for the first time in 30 years. Seismologists say that the Earth’s upper crust is moving less due to the decrease in vehicular vibrations. And smoggy L.A. is seeing it’s cleanest air in decades. 

We live in a world full of easy distractions. We have instant access to any information we want via our phones, we have the ability to view to almost any television show or movie we would like to see whenever we would like and we have no shortage of food or supplies. At least in the developed world. Until recently. Before the pandemic happened, there was an increased trend toward living ‘mindfully’ precisely because it’s so difficult to do in our climate.

When we were first ‘sent to our rooms’ most believed this would be short term. Maybe two or three weeks at most. Many of us went into distraction mode, some of us went into panic mode and just about all of us fell back onto whatever coping mechanisms were easiest for us. But none of that is sustainable long term. 

For better or worse, we have less people to interact with, less personalities to bounce off of our own and less social stimulation. We’re being forced to take a good look at ourselves. Regardless of whether this is something that you’ve avoided doing at all costs, or you were a deeply introspective person who has done internal work and are even familiar with your own pitfalls; new things are going to come up now. And sometimes they’ll be unattractive. 

You may have a fight with your partner or roommate on a scale that you’ve never had before over something inconsequential. If you live alone, you may find yourself drinking at 10 am with your cat and talking to your flowers. If you have kids, you may suddenly begin making excuses to turn the attic into a ‘sweat lodge’ and declare that only adults are allowed and only one at a time.

We will survive this introspection. We’re not Castaway or I Am Legend. We have FaceTime, we can yell to our neighbors from across the street and even have meaningful conversations that way. (I did this evening.) I see two paths that we might chose. We can either just ‘get through it’ and hide in our distractions and coping mechanisms, or we can actually do what the Earth intended when she sent us to our rooms and ‘think about it’ and maybe emerge with more self awareness.

My little supervisor has become much more vocal and demanding now that he knows we’re around to fill his every whim. Does he look judgmental? To me he seems a tad disapproving!

This is a good time to take notice of how you talk to yourself and how you talk to other people. How do you react in panic mode? What are your default settings? I got a hard look at my default settings after the fire and it was fascinating and frustrating. Fascinating because if you’re old enough, you’ve probably become a more well rounded person and are able to self regulate and use the parts of your self that aren’t naturally the strongest when they’re called for. All of that gets stripped away under extreme stress and you’re left with your strongest basic personalities. Frustrating because even when you recognize it, you’re often powerless to do anything about it. This quarantine hasn’t thrown me that far, in part because in many ways, I enjoy this a lot. (That’s a discussion for another entry.) I will use a realization about myself that I’ve had during this time as an example. Maybe some of it will resonate for you.

I have noticed that the way I tend to talk to myself is very judgmental these days. There’s less encouragement in my head and more chastisement. Instead of “Way to go! You buckled down and spent all of Saturday getting your business up and running online!” I say, “I can’t believe you haven’t found ways to move more. And you had wine on Sunday, what is happening here? This needs to stop and you need to get a grip.”  Rather than, “Wow, you now have a real garden started in your backyard and you’re composting! Two things that you’ve wanted to be able to do for years!” I hear, “Why is your inbox a mess? You actually have the time now to keep everything organized, can’t you get these webinar notes into some kind of system? And lay off the trail mix, you haven’t been biking to work. Almonds have tons of calories and you know they aren’t great for your stomach.”

Great, now I’ve recognized this! I can just put a stop to it, right? No! That judgy voice means progress! She means getting things done and getting better! If I listen to the nice, congratulatory voice, that means gaining weight, losing muscle, falling into filth, disorganization and degradation and coming out of this a complete mess, right? 

I know that this is not true. The world is not made up of extremes, but for me, that highly critical voice in my head is comfortable. She gives me a feeling of control in a world where we all have very little. If I tell her to shush, what will happen? When the world is normal and I’m in my routine, I can afford to try different voices and be less ridged toward myself. There are concrete things that I’m supposed to do, concrete places I’m supposed to go and a lot of other people around me to act as barometers for how I’m doing over all. In short, I have outside measurements of my success or failure. Right now, I don’t.

Unless I get an email from work telling me what a great job I’m doing and how I’m integral to the team, I don’t know if the videos I’m sending in are up to par. And let’s face it, I’m in the fitness industry. The two jobs I have that are still giving me any kind of pay are more focused on sending blanket emails out addressing what’s being done incorrectly than recognizing anyone who’s trying. They’re in full on salvage mode and struggling too, definitely. This is not a slam on the few gyms that have found a way to pay some of their employees something, but it’s a barometer that I don’t have. I’m doing my best. I just don’t know if it’s enough. And I might not know until this is all over.

We’re all floundering. This is new territory for all of us. We need to be as kind and as helpful as possible. If you still have a job, do it to the best of your ability. Absolutely be as kind as possible to anyone else who has an essential job at this time. (Dean saw someone yelling at a Publix employee about their ‘rights’ when he went to the store last week. Unnecessary.) Anyone who is not in government is most likely on your side right now. And some government officials are out there trying their best for their citizens too. (Can I give a shout out to these Italian officials?) And if you can, take this time to recognize how you’re treating yourself.

Because we’re all doing the best we can. Including you.