Handing off my purse to a friend. We promise that we didn’t plan to match. - Photo on my camera, by Aaron Kirby, who was happy to man it for the night, being uncomfortable with being in the spotlight himself.

I was scrolling through my Facebook memories this morning when I hit upon a collection of photographs that were taken almost ten years ago. I was in a play with a pretty solid ensemble that grew very close. One of the cast members was a big fan of the club scene and offered to get us all into a dance club if we were up for it. Of course we were.

We had a great time. But one particular memory crept forward that I wanted to explore a little bit.

We were a big group. There were probably ten of us, and if memory serves, only two paired couples. The rest were single or our significant others had other things to do that evening. We were completely happy just drinking and dancing together in a big circle, or breaking out into smaller circles, as you do. None of us were giving out any signals that we might be ‘on the hunt,’ as it were.

Twice while we were there, I had strange guys ‘dance’ up to me and try to separate me from my group. Both times I retreated to one of my nearby, male castmates, Shane, who—without us ever having discussed this—would immediately put a hand on my waist, pull me toward him, and give the stranger a query look. In both instances, the strange guy put his hands up, indicating that he didn’t realize that I was ‘taken’ and backed off. Once he was gone, Shane would release me and we’d continue on.

The next day, backstage, I thanked Shane for the boyfriend act and learned that he had been ‘boyfriend’ to almost every girl in the group at some point during the night.

I’m thankful that we had someone in the group who picked up on our signals and was willing to play the part. I don’t believe that every guy out there ‘gets’ this deflective move. I’ve heard the arguments:

Can’t you just tell the other dude ‘no?’ What’s wrong with that?
If you had just ignored him, I bet he would have left.
I mean, you were in a dance club, what did you expect?

I’ll start by saying that I would put money on the theory that the reason we all had such a great time—a fun, drama-free evening frolicking with our friends—was because all of us ‘deflected’ with the boyfriend ruse. I’ll dive further.

Lucky for us, there were just as many guys in our group that night.

This may or may not come as a surprise, but there was a period of time in my twenties where I really enjoyed the dance club scene. I liked getting dressed up with my friends, having a few glasses of wine, then dancing to loud music under flashing lights until we were covered in sweat and exhausted. A few cardinal rules that I always obeyed:

Come with your group, leave with at least one of your group.
Establish a ‘rest’ zone for when you need a break from dancing, usually at least one friend will be chilling there watching the purses, so you always have an ally if you need one.
Keep an eye out for each other. If you haven’t seen someone in a while, check for them.
If you decide to peace out early, let your folks know.
Make sure no one is left on their own.

I don’t think any guys I know had any of these rules. And I don’t think any of the girls I knew actively discussed them, we just instinctively did them.

Here are a few things I learned during this phase:

If you’re open to dancing with strange guys—sometimes you are, it can be fun—usually no drama, but good to have your friend and her boyfriend dancing nearby just in case.
If your friends’ boyfriends come out, or guy friends come out, usually no drama.
Going out with just the girls? Sometimes drama. Not of our own making.

Look at what we’re wearing. Probably ‘asking for it’ right?

One night in particular stands out. I was out with a fairly sizable group of girl friends. There were at least six of us. We were dancing together, in our own little happy circle, when a strange guy decided he wanted to grope one of my friend’s asses. She shoved him off twice, keeping her eyes forward, maybe a little eye roll, and kept dancing with us. I clocked it all, as she was dancing one over from me, and gave him a glare. (Oh, here’s another thing, it’s loud in there, you can’t really talk on the dance floor unless you get your face right up by someone’s ear. It’s mainly sign language and body language.) He moved on to the girl next to me, who rebuffed him in a similar manner, but I was getting fed up when he finally grabbed me, I turned around, shoved him and yelled at him. Probably a few curse words. I don’t remember exactly what I said.

Here’s what I do remember:

The bouncer was standing five feet away, watching it all, doing absolutely nothing.
Once I shoved the guy off, screamed at him and probably used a rude gesture, he unzipped his pants, pulled out his penis and waved it at us.
The bouncer did nothing, other than look a little embarrassed.
I was ready to go off the rails and my friends grabbed me and hauled me away. I think we left after that.
It is probably for the best that they hauled me away. At the time I had no actual fighting experience aside from wrestling with my cousins and a few one-off self defense classes.

So, we ‘said no,’ our signals were strong. Didn’t matter. There was a large group of us, clearly enjoying just being together. Didn’t matter. There was a bouncer right there who obviously just didn’t think it was worth the hassle. Our night? Ended right there. Our fun was done. That dude probably hung out and terrorized a few more women until he was tired or drunk enough and went home.

If there had been guy friends in our group, things would almost certainly have been different. It is so much easier in most cases to claim to be with another guy than to do anything else. It almost always diffuses the situation faster, no one gets hurt or angry, and everyone can go on with their normally scheduled fun. There are always exceptions, of course, but I’m not here to talk about outliers.

I’m here to talk about what’s normal.

This is me, weeks after the altercation in the club. I remember myself as a fully capable adult with adult-sized fury, but now, yeeears later, I look at this picture and think, “that kid was already well versed terrible male behavior, and was still being manipulated by it.”
**The guy next to me in the photo is an amazing human who I was happy to be hanging out with and who I am still friends with.

I debated making this post because we’ve made a little bit of progress in the past few years and this has been a dialogue lately. But then I thought of Texas. And I thought of some comments I’ve seen on certain posts—I know, never read the comments—and I decided that this is a conversation that’s still worth having. Because obviously it hasn’t sunk in.

So, here are a few things that are ‘normal and everyday’ for every female you know. To make this point a little more clearly, I’m only going to list the things that I have personally done/experienced. And only the things I’m comfortable listing in public.

I have been catcalled—nastily—while running/walking. One guy even yelled out of his truck when I ran down a street away from him, “what are you scared?” I’ve also had a penis waved at me while on a run at 7am. It’s not a compliment. It’s not harmless fun. It’s annoying at best and threatening at worst.
I pretended that my parents wouldn’t allow me to date yet to get a very persistent guy to leave me alone at school. I was fifteen, very much a tomboy, this had never happened before, I was very uncomfortable with the attention, and not at all satisfied with the ‘ignore him and he’ll leave you alone’ advice I was getting. (It wasn’t working.) Later I worried about that guy calling my bluff and coming back around when I actually wanted to date a guy that same year.
I have faked a phone call on a dead cell phone to let a ‘friend’ know that I was ‘almost there’ and ‘just about to turn the corner’ and ‘you should see me in a second.’
I have faked not speaking English, throwing out Gaelic phrases, to get strange men to leave me alone at the bus stop. (This one does not work so well. 4/10 not highly recommended.)
I have flashed the ring on my left hand to get a guy to stop following me, asking where I was going, and telling me that I was pretty. (Surprise, this one usually works.)
I have been groped on a crowded train at rush hour. More than once.
I have been told ‘smile, bitch, I’m giving you a compliment’ while waiting at a stoplight to cross the street while commuting to work, on my bike.
I have worn headphones without the sound on, and stared at an open book that I’ve already finished reading, to avoid interaction on public transportation. (Pro tip - Headphones without the sound on are especially effective at night, so that you can continue to monitor your surroundings.)
I have had my ass grabbed by a child on his way to school while I was running. Now, that time I did stop, turn around, and curse him the hell out. He ran away. I wonder who taught him that kind of behavior was okay?

I’m pretty sure this is the night that we got them to play “Scooby Snacks.” One of our pinnacle achievements. Yeah, we were really looking for dudes to interrupt our vibe.

That’s enough for now. The larger point that I’m trying to make is that women are continually fighting for the right to exist in a world where not everyone thinks that our bodies belong to ourselves. We are constantly getting signals that it’s ‘okay’ for someone else to touch us, grab us, hey, maybe make us have babies when we’re not ready/don’t want/can’t support them? Etc. If you’re grabbed, the usual comment is ‘it’s not like you were hurt.’ If you’re catcalled ‘it's a compliment.’ If you’re harassed while you’re out dancing, ‘what were you wearing? Why would you go there anyway?’

It’s a shame that the one fail-safe that almost always works is claiming to ‘already belong’ to someone else.

The abortion law in Texas is just one more example of women being controlled under the guise of ‘saving a life.’ When these women (or girls) who are denied access to birth control, who may have been raped, who may have been preyed upon, have no choice but to have these babies, are they going to be allowed access to healthcare if they can’t afford it? During and after pregnancy? Daycare if they need to work to support the kid alone or have to finish school? Counseling if they’re traumatized? Not in this country. What happens when the baby that they’ve been forced to have grows up to be a girl? No rights for her either. Her right to exist stops being defended the moment she’s born.

Once she gets older, she’ll be grabbed and told it’s okay because she wasn’t hurt. She’ll be called names just because she’s outside walking or running. Existing. And she’ll be told it’s a compliment. Maybe some guy will flash her in a club and if she’s lucky, her friends will be there to pull her away. Hopefully nothing worse will happen to her, but there’s a high likelihood that it will. Maybe, like me, one of her friends will be raped and almost killed coming home from a party and she’ll decide to take up martial arts and become a fighter.

Because right now, the onus is on us to be careful, to take self defense classes, to watch out for each other, to stay home after dark, to dress different, to keep from getting pregnant, and on and on.

It’d be nice if we could just get men to treat us like people.

Have you ever been flashed at a dance club? Because I have.