I was having a conversation with a friend this morning who mentioned that she had put perfume on before leaving for work that morning. It made her happy and she wondered why she didn’t do it more often.

This particular friend has been in varying states of high and low stress continually for a long time. The last few months in particular she’s been moving across the country, changing jobs, and dealing with other personal things. I wasn’t surprised that she suddenly felt inspired to ‘decorate’ now that she’s beginning to settle in.

I’ve recently started really getting into layered necklaces after my mom surprised me with a couple. They’re my new favorite thing.

Her comment reminded me of a time when I was younger. I had a fairly flexible job as an executive assistant and was doing theatre on the nights and weekends. I was also dating a musician who would later turn into an alcoholic, emotional (leaning into physical in the final years) abuser. When I first started the assistant job, I used to dress up my outfit with at least eye makeup and a necklace. As time went on, I got to where that little extra effort seemed pointless. Why put makeup on when I was just seeing the same people everyday? Why bother putting on a necklace? It’s just work. I chalked it up to the novelty of the job wearing off.

This particular relationship was sneaky. In front of other people, and in public, my ex was a dream. He was funny, he was charming, and he treated me well. Once we were alone, he let go with how he was really feeling, and 99.9% of the time, I was the person that he took anything and everything out on. It was also usually ‘my fault’ in some way. This happened gradually, over years, so that I didn’t notice it. It wasn’t until well into the relationship, when I was living with this person, that one of my best friends was over—and he was coming over frequently at this point—and witnessed some of the behind the scenes behavior. My friend must have been over enough so that my ex didn’t instinctively put the mask up around him.

“He was yelling at you for washing his shirts wrong,” my friend said. “I mean, you washed his shirts according to what the tag said to do and he was yelling at you. And you were just taking it. I couldn’t believe it. You were apologizing to him.”

I’m not going to go on about that relationship, as it’s not the point of the entry and I don’t wish to give it any more of my time. Suffice it to say that I got out and it took me a while to get my bearings.

Once I did, I started noticing an interest in putting myself together. Whether I was going to teach a yoga class or doing an office job. Looking back on this now, it seems like an ‘of course’ kind of obvious. I felt better, I had the energy to try and look better. But everyone is different and I think these ‘tells’ vary for everyone.

I’ve never been a ‘clothes horse’ or a particularly ‘girly girl’ so this was a revelation for me. I didn’t even start wearing makeup regularly until I was well out of college and into my adult life. (Unless I was going out somewhere.) I don’t even have my ears pierced, so I wasn’t crazy into jewelry either. Although I now truly enjoy necklaces.

For me, there are bigger tells for when I’m going through a depression or coming out of one. (If I’m not interested in running and have to force myself, that’s a tell of major problems.) I do think it’s nice to have these little tells to notice when I’m stressed or in a good place. I’ve gone through several stressful periods in the past few years, and I think it’s typical to be unaware of how stressed you actually are until you’re past it. The whole ‘forest and trees’ analogy. If you can recognize where you are when you’re going through it, you can give yourself a break, or, if you’re in a good place, give yourself permission to go for something challenging.

I mean, really all you need is the right sword and corset.

I think it’s worth it to think back on those times in your life when you’ve been at your best, your happiest, and also those times when you’ve struggled. What were the little day to day things that you found easy, effortless and enjoyable when you were at your best that you just didn’t care about when you were struggling? These could be your tells.

The more we know about ourselves and where we’re at, the better we’re able to show up for other people in our lives. We’re able to set better boundaries and take stock of what we can handle. If we see ourselves sliding into a bad place early, maybe we can catch ourselves. Maybe it’s just where we are and we have to get through it, but I believe it’s always helpful to be aware.

Singing in the shower.

If I catch myself singing in the shower, I know I’m in a good place. Extra good. Especially if other people can hear me. If I’m singing in the shower, it’s time to take on the world.

What are your 'tells'?