This is the weekend of my anniversary, and this year, Dean and I are both going to be fully vaccinated. We’re toying with the idea of going out to dinner in our wedding clothes, which was our tradition up until last year. We haven’t made firm plans yet.

Six years ago. Feels like more and less at the same time.

The other day I thought I might have a Starbucks in between job one and job two, but I had had a coffee the day before. “Your anniversary is this weekend,” I told myself. “You should hold off since you’ll be treating yourself during the weekend.” Then a thought struck me… “What if I just enjoyed the entire week because it was my anniversary?” We’re talking about a couple extra bucks on coffee. I wasn’t even thinking of getting a soy mocha. Was I concerned about fitting into the dress? Would one coffee even make a difference? And if that was my concern, why wear it if it wasn’t fun anymore?

I’m not sure where my brain was, I just remember being shocked at the idea that I could just … enjoy the week?

Recently, I’ve gotten into reading new books for fun again. For most of the last two years, I’ve been mostly reading old favorites. I read an article during the height of the pandemic that mentioned that people tend to watch and read things that they already know in times of stress because they know what’s going to happen and they can be entertained and distracted without worrying. I’ve been a little stressed for a couple of years, so this makes sense.

One my favorite things to do in nice weather now is to read on my porch. If it’s a weekend, with a glass of wine and some cheese.

I’ve fallen into a couple of books that have just taken me over. There were a couple of weekends where I spent almost the entire day reading a book until I finished it. Of course I enjoyed it while I was reading it and in the case of series books, I couldn’t wait to get to the other one. However, I beat myself up for not being more productive during this time. Not getting enough of my own writing done, not coming up with new meals, etc.

Why is it so terrible to spend a Saturday reading a book?

The productivity pressure is something that’s been covered a lot in various articles and blogs, but I find that it’s a real thing that I’m having a difficult time crawling out of it. I have a feeling that I need to ‘earn’ any little enjoyment. I should not have that extra Starbucks this week because I’m going to be having a fun weekend. Reading a book all day before I run or do my own writing is frowned upon. (By me.)

Being with Dean has helped with that a little bit. In that aspect, I think we’ve been good for each other. I like to have a goal, I like to be organized, my head is constantly in the future. With practice in the last decade or so, I’ve been able to appreciate the present. It’s not even always a conscious effort anymore. Dean is always in the moment. He’s constantly telling me that I deserve that extra coffee and that I should do nice things for myself sometimes. He also has no problem doing that on his own. When we were fixing up our house post second stimulus, he made sure there was a little left for each of us so that we could ‘do something fun.’ Something I never would have considered. We learn from each other.

After years of being a single adult, taking care of myself, knowing that there was no 401k or second income, it’s hard to relax sometimes. But after almost six years, I think I’m learning.

Earning Enjoyment