The Dissipation of the Mental Load

I know that life is a series of ups and downs. I am aware and embrace the idea that without the dark we wouldn’t fully appreciate the light. I also believe that you can get used to almost anything.

I mentioned in a previous article that Dean and I were able to take care of several things we’ve been putting off once we got our second stimulus. I almost hesitate to put this in writing, but things have continued on an upward trend. We both are more than two weeks out from our second vaccine shots, and I’m only having to time the big bills now. I can also see a time in the future where I might be able to just pay the bills as they come in. I can see it happening.

I found some gift cards that I hadn’t used when rearranging my desk. I went online to buy some clothes. It had been a long time. I immediately went to the super sale. I found a couple of things and used reward points and my card covered the minimal rest. It was so heady! I made a purchase! I was getting new things! Things that would benefit no one else but me. I moved on to the next gift card. This one was for fitness apparel that I would need for work. (And some of my stuff desperately needs updating.) I found some things. All on sale. But it extended me past the gift card. I sat there deciding. Was there something I could cut? Then I thought, “You have more than enough in the bank. What are you saving it for?”

What am I saving it for!?!

I almost had a little sit down with myself, but then Myself had a sit down with me.

I have been surviving for a number of years. Surviving is much better than not surviving. And I believe we survived at a pretty high level. (I mean, we were able to give Jake a gentle goodbye -although my mom did help with that- and adopt two incredibly destructive kittens a few months after, and we’re doing well by them.) I was surprised at how difficult it was to let go of any money. I was just sure that something was going to drop at any point and that I was going to need it to survive.

I got an email from my personal credit card giving me my next balance and I almost choked when I saw the number. What could I have possibly purchased that cost that much? Was my card stolen? Of course, I had checked this in the morning while getting ready to run, so I was thinking about it my entire run. Running through purchases in my head until finally I realized that we put the treadmill purchase on my card because I was paying for most of it. I relaxed.

A few weeks ago, I had a bad dentist appointment. Basically, my jaw is malformed and it’s causing a lot of problems. I don’t feel like going into it right now, but there are many treatment options. I’m not sure how many will be covered under my insurance. But I realized that I would be okay. Once I decide what treatments are best for me, I’ll be able to cover them. That was interesting. My shoulders didn’t ride up to my ears immediately. I didn’t have nightmares about dentistry.

So destructive. It’s like we have dogs that are able to climb things.

I’ve fallen back into a writing pattern. I’ve even had ideas for new pieces. Ones that I’m excited about. Dean and I are taking care of things. We have a cleaning pattern. More than “The place looks too dusty, I will dust it.” We’re both getting in walks on the treadmill daily. Me during work and him after work. We still often walk together through the neighborhood after work. I like it. We have no phones, and we just talk about our days and we decompress and troubleshoot.

We’re starting to make plans for travel. Dean has a trip home to his family planned. I’m discussing things with my best friend back home. Maybe she’ll come here while he’s gone. Maybe we’ll meet in an entirely new city and do an AirBnB. I started looking things up for our trip, automatically going to the cheapest options. I began fretting about gas, room cost, if we went out… then I stopped. You have the money for this. Otherwise you wouldn’t be doing it. I do. And I wouldn’t.

Jobs that I feared losing last year are booming now. I also have my stable part time anchor job, that isn’t tied to commission or attendance in my classes. I do the work and I bill the hours and I get paid. I have new clients that are doing personals and the ones that I started the pandemic with, they have stayed with me.

I actually am considering branching to in-person specialty classes. (Outdoors of course.)

The point of this is not just to say that I think I’m doing better. The point of this is that a little bit of help at a crucial time can mean a world of difference mentally, emotionally, even physically and that difference can carry on.

Dean and I would have survived without that stimulus. We would have been okay. But now we are starting to bloom. And in what ways? I’m making purchases that I would have considered a luxury before. I’m considering spending money on a vacation. One where I don’t sleep at the house of someone I know. I’ve tossed around the idea of getting a massage.

The impact that financial stability has had on my mental, physical and emotional state cannot be discounted. And Dean and I were ‘okay’ financially. What must if have meant to those who were really struggling? To those who lost their entire livelihood during this pandemic? Here’s an article from Princeton stating that financial worry results in a drop in IQ of about 13 points.

People want the poor to ‘pull themselves up by their bootstraps’ and because some amazing individuals are able to do so, they think it the norm. I am here to tell you that worrying about my finances turned me into a person I didn’t recognize. Yes, I was still me, but I couldn’t write. I just wanted to watch T.V. to get away from it all. I just wanted to drink. Now, I didn’t do those things all the time, but it’s amazing what you can accomplish when all of your willpower isn’t’ tied up in “don’t drink tonight” and “maybe finish what you wanted to get done before turning on the T.V.” Especially when part of you is wondering what the point of it all is.

I know that I’m riding an up wave. I’m hoping that this isn’t the crest of it and that I have a year or two (or God, maybe even a couple more) before I start to descend. But wow. I had forgotten how nice it was to be here.