Look, I’m wearing green. She’s wearing flowers. TRADITION.

Last Saturday was May 1st. Beltane. The traditional start of summer in Pagen Europe, the halfway point between spring and summer here. A transition within the transition. Dean and I had a fun celebration with our friend Patti. We made flower crowns and had a bonfire. We did the traditional leaping over the fire and making a wish for the coming year. We also had wine and chocolate. I’m sure that’s also traditional.

Patti and I are both going through transitions. She’s graduating from law school, and she and her girlfriend have decided they are going to move. We talked about moving cross country and places she might live, jobs she might have, etc.

The day before, about an hour or two after I had posted my blog entry, I had been offered a full-time position in the company that I, until that day, worked for part time. With a new title and a raise. I accepted and have been learning the ropes of my new job all this week.

On Beltane, though, we celebrated.

Later on in the evening, we decided to do some fun tarot card readings. Patti’s reading went great. She had wonderful cards, all speaking to a hopeful future and positive change and leaving a stressful past behind. Mine was a little more murky. Quite a few of my cards were reversed and there was a general theme of letting go or leaving behind in order to move on. At first I was a little disturbed by it but after thinking about it, it makes sense.

Over the weekend, I started trying to parse out the practicalities of rearranging life. Which clients I would keep, which ones I would have to let go. The same with classes. The first few days of this week, I started making those cuts.

Some of them were easy, some I hemmed and hawed at.

Dean and I take a walk most evenings after we get off work. Just around the neighborhood. I call it our Two Person Parade because we wave at all the neighbors as we go by. Everyone says ‘how ya doin’?’ but you’re only expected to say ‘good’ or ‘doin’ alright’ or ‘how you doin’?’ in response. You’re not actually supposed to answer. You may also compliment lawns or decor. We once saw three neighbors swinging around hand sanitizers in colored rubber holders. They had a bucket of them. We did the hello wave and I added a compliment to their rainbow array. We were gifted two sanitizers in the colored cases of our choosing. But I digress.

During that walk, we talk about our day, our plans for the evening, and anything we need to get off of our chests from the work hours. Not surprisingly, I’ve been doing a lot of processing this week. Not only about what I’m learning for my new position, but also about what I’m letting go of.

I’m worried that I’m hanging on to too much, but I’m also worried about unnecessarily giving up one or two things that I really enjoy. I also know that once I get used to my new job, I will feel more in control of my time and I’ll be better able to make these decisions.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of my personal trainer/fitness instructor identity that I’ve built over the last decade plus. I’ve worked hard to obtain and maintain several prestigious fitness certifications. (And they’re still good for several years. I did a lot of continuing education during quarantine.) Being full time in that industry is not an easy thing. And I made it through COVID in a new city as a full-time trainer. For the most part. And it was not easy.

Sometimes you need to set it all on fire and start again. (Literally just realized what I said. Pun about our house fire not intended.)

I was on my walk with Dean and after going through our days, I started listing the things that I needed to start doing. “The thing is, I need to start writing before I relax or I won’t do enough. And I need to make sure I get to bed on time so my workouts aren’t sluggish. I need-” I actually stopped and listened to myself here. I’m kind of proud of that: I feel it shows growth or something. “I think what I actually need to do is give myself some time to adjust to having one single full-time job for the first time in over a decade.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been working full-time hours, but they’ve been scattered. Very flexible. Doing different things. And also very mutable. Although it was always deemed prestigious to be contracted exclusively to one fitness club, I always liked having my eggs in more than one basket. If someone cut a class or two of yours or the schedule was rearranged, you always had another place to fall back on. Since 2009 I’ve always worked several jobs and pursued an artistic career.

You have to be very organized to do this sort of thing well. You also have to get used to constant change. The first was easy, the second came harder. But I got it eventually. I am no longer afraid of change. And furthermore, I know that change is easier when you are at the helm. That’s easy to understand and easy to say, but much more difficult to live. Try to instigate a change in your life. Eat less. Drink less. Exercise more. Start a book club. Do that thing you always wanted to do. Set aside an hour every night for that thing. Not easy.

I have reinvented myself several times. Every time I have been moving toward something that I really wanted. This is no different. I could be wrong, but I think that my generation might have been one of the first to start making it acceptable not to hold one job for more of your life. Thank goodness.

Life is so short and nothing in it is guaranteed. The people, the things, the weather, the shape of your physical being, nothing. You must embrace the opportunities to do what you wish to do when they come along.

I regret none of my reinventions. I am only thankful for the opportunity to continue to learn and grow.

A Time of Transition