This weekend, Dean and I are heading out on our first 'non-family’ trip in over three years. We’ll be celebrating our seven year anniversary.

We’ve been together for over a decade, which is longer than I’ve ever been with anyone. (I’m a serial monogamist and got married ‘late’ so I had my share of lengthy relationships.) I thought it was a good time to look back on things we’ve learned and what advice I might give to my pre-married self.

Marriage is different than cohabitating.

I’ve had long-term, live-in relationships. (Which is why, in my 30s I banned them until engagement. Not saying that’s for everyone, but it sure was for me.) Now, it could very well have been the people I was dating, but I don’t think so. There’s a different level of respect there when you’re married. This is no longer a temporary thing that could end at any time. We’ve both signed paperwork. We have legal obligations. We stood up in front of all of our family and friends and said we’re going to make this work. There’s something about it that feels different.

There is no ‘hard year’. I mean there is, but it’s different for everyone.

Once we got engaged, I was ‘interviewing’ all of my married friends. I wanted the tips, the tricks, the advanced warnings. It’s how I do. I plan, I plot, I conquer. My sister said her first year was their hardest. From the stories she told me, it sounded like they were still figuring out each other’s communication style. When our first year breezed by, I was thrilled. I read something about years four and five being the worst, because that’s when the honeymoon was over and you were really ‘settling in.’ Someone else told me that year seven was the worst. (Look out!) Someone else told me ten. My takeaway? Shit is going to happen. And you don’t get to find out until it happens. And you will be floored and you will think ‘who is this person?’ Dean and I had a tough time when we moved to Nashville and all the things happened. Anything that had been hidden at all was unearthed. I learned just how bad Dean was at finances. He learned that in a crisis, I either destroy or come apart. We had a very condensed time of stress, grief, and hardship, and it was not just one year. Even so, I don’t think being married made it worse. Although we had to deal with another person’s ‘stuff’ on top of our own, we also had that person’s help. Which is no small thing.

Marriage is about compromise. I know. But it’s cliché because it’s true.

A quote from my husband; “Sometimes you won’t be contributing equally to finances. Sometimes your wife won’t let you set up the arcade cabinet you panic-bought and have no room for.” You married a different person than you (hopefully). Who they are at their core probably will not change, but their interests, their body, their job, their abilities, all might. It’s important to be aware of the give and take in your relationship. There will likely be times when one of you is giving more. That’s okay. Just make sure it’s not all the time and on all things. And recognize the things that end up being ‘your area.’ I tend to enjoy the outside work more, Dean tends to enjoy figuring out electronic stuff. So I’m not going to waltz in and say, “let’s just get a whole new system and copy all over our stuff over” because we both know Dean will be doing the copying and the setting up. Just like he’s not going to say, “I really think that we should reseed this entire lawn.” There are also times when one of us will just pick up the slack for the other, but it’s important to be aware of when you might be burning your partner out with small things. For instance, if you’ve both been working your butts off, but you’re the one who left the kitchen a mess, then tell your partner you’ll take care of it when you get home and do it. At the same time, if you’re the partner, leave it for them. They said they’d do it, give them a chance. (That’s me. I’m the one who has to let people do things.)

Learn your fighting style.

Dean and I don’t fight often. I can count on one hand the amount of fights we’ve had. We’re both pretty tolerant of small things and have long fuses. When we do fight, however, we could power cities with our rage. When I am upset about something I want to have it out immediately and resolve it. I want to hear about feelings, reasons, plans to avoid the situation in the future. Dean shuts down. He does not want to talk about anything right away. In fact, sometimes he’ll stop speaking altogether. This enrages me. He has no problem going to bed with an unresolved conflict. He also has no problem talking about small things while this huge problem is hanging over us. I cannot do this. It’s discuss the problem or nothing at all. Our last huge fight (the arcade cabinet mentioned above) was eventually resolved when I sent Dean an email when we were both in separate locations. In the email, I calmly explained how I was feeling, then I put in my theories about how he was feeling, explaining that I didn’t really know, because he hadn’t said. This ended up working for us. I got to put all of my thoughts out there and he got to think about it and take his time without me raging around saying ‘AND ANOTHER THING.’ I was already aware of Dean’s fighting style and mine by the time this fight happened. It was still hard to deal with because we do it so differently. So definitely a thing to be aware of.

Learn your social style.

Dean learned early in our relationship that I am good for one outing per weekend. Later on, he managed to grasp that not all outings are created equal. Dean is an extrovert. He gets energy from hanging out with people. I’m an introvert, I expend energy. However, some people are more draining than others. Some situations are more draining than others. It’s important to know this about your partner and respect it. Dean was free to go wherever the hell he wanted. He could attend all the parties for all I cared. As a matter of fact, one thing we learned during the pandemic is that I need time in our living space by myself. Dean understood that this didn’t mean I didn’t love him and actually started scheduling trips to the grocery store and other errands for when I was home so that I would get that extended time to just be alone. Dean loves playing video games. When I ask what his plans are for the evening and he includes and hour of game play in there, I don’t bat an eye. It’s how he unwinds. Does he occasionally play too long and run short on time to vacuum the rug before bed? Yes. But do I occasionally get caught up writing and put off reconciling our accounts for another day? Yes, yes I do. As long as it happens in a timely manner, no one’s health or finances are at stake, no boundaries are being crossed: these are little things to just switch over from ‘annoying’ in your brain to ‘endearing.’ This is who you married and this is what they’re like. Isn’t it cute?

Don’t ignore those awesome little things. They might go away.

When your spouse does something that you like, tell them. Thank them. Post about it on social media. (Unless they don’t like that.) Don’t underestimate the power of a card for no reason. “Thank you for folding the laundry” does more good than you would think. Even occasional recognition like “I love how I never have to worry about if the bills are paid on time because I know you’re taking care of it.” A simple ‘thank you’ is like that perfect outfit that never goes out of style, always fits, doesn’t wear out, and you can wear to every occasion. “Thank you for picking up the coffee this morning,” even if you alternate doing it every weekend morning. It just doesn’t get old, it’s always appreciated, and you should just do it. Dean and I both thank Alexa for everything. Get in the habit of saying thank you and if you really like something that they do, say more.

Things I would tell my pre-married self:

You don’t have an expiration date. Do not put up with people who are killing your spirit because you think this is as good as it’s going to get. It’s not.
Those ‘rules’ you put in place to protect yourself? They’re arbitrary and say nothing about the person inside. Let them go.
You did not make a mistake when you left him, or him, or him.
Put all your cards out on the table early. If it scares them off now, it’s not worth it. If they stick around, they might just be it.

I will end with a final quote from my husband. With whom I recklessly broke all of my ‘rules’ when I said yes to a date, told him all of my 'hard truths’ early on because I thought he was too young to handle them, and found a more supportive partnership than I had ever experienced.

“I think that marriage is something you have to wait for. If you feel forced, you shouldn’t do it. I don’t really believe in fate, but you’ll know for sure when you’ve found the one.” - Dean Beever

Seven Years After