How often do you feel like giving up?

Aang is always very helpful when I have a deadline.

I spent Wednesday in a bad mood. 

I’m in the middle of my final edits for Ghost Tamer before it goes to production and I honestly just want to be done with it. I believe I’ve made all the changes that I need to, but I have to go back over the whole thing to be sure. This is my first book, I want it to be as good as possible, right? But man, am I tired of looking at it.

Then there’s my other projects. I have one that I had planned to start sending out on submission with agents at the start of the month. My Cold From Hell derailed that goal. I have another piece I’m trying to decide what to do with, and then a new one just calling to me. These are not things that I need to address right now. These are things that I want to address right now.

In addition to that, I’m trying to ‘build an audience’ for Ghost Tamer and muddle through social media marketing. To me this is the most nebulous and frustrating part of the process. I don’t have the physical book to market yet and social media algorithms constantly change. I’ve been working on posting consistently, but it’s one more thing to cram into my day.

These are all relatively minor frustrations. I think what sent me over the edge yesterday was an article I read that was literally titled something like, “No One Is Going To Read Your Book.” It broke down the publishing landscape in stark and dispiriting terms. Having already been in a frustrated mindset, I finished that article thinking, “What is the point of submitting to agents? What is the point of continuing to try and figure out marketing?” 

I cannot wait until my cover is officially released and I can start throwing it up.

I tried to force myself through the motions of the day, and I did get some things done, but my mood only soured further when I picked up a book from a series I’d been reading to give my brain a break. The series is so engrossing and the book so engaging that I don’t want to put it down. 

“I’m never going to be able to write anything like this,” I thought to myself. “I’m never going to have so many people invested in any of the worlds that I’ve created.”

I talked to two friends during the day on Wednesday. One of whom is in the same place I am with publishing her debut novel with a small press, and another who is in a writing group with me. I confessed to being in a terrible mood and tried to articulate why. 

First and foremost, they understood. It’s a fabulous thing to have people who get where you’re coming from so you don’t have to spend too much time justifying yourself. (For instance, I realize that the fact that I have a book coming out and two other finished novels that I’m trying to figure out which direction to take them in are problems that many, many people would love to have.) It’s amazing to have a friend to whom you can unload your first world frustrations upon and not have to throw in caveats for your feelings. Let alone two of them.

During my conversation with my first friend, I realized that not only was I playing the comparison game—which we all know is entirely unproductive—but also that creative stalls were normal and that it is okay to stop and fill the tank by reading work that you enjoy without every waking moment being a relentless push toward your goal. I’m sure I’m not alone in needing that reminder more frequently than I feel like I should. We must refill our creative tanks.

My second friend caught me at the end of the day, and told me that first of all, what I was feeling was normal. There’s always a point at which we’re just sick of perfecting the same thing over and over and want to move on to something shiny and new. Second of all, yes, I had many things I needed to pay attention to, but there is always one thing that needs sorting out more immediately.

It’s clear what I need to do. As a person who likes to bounce to whatever project is inspiring me at the moment, I need a tug on the reins occasionally when I get into a distasteful part of the process and my inspiration has run dry. I obviously need to finish Ghost Tamer and get that done and give it the attention it deserves. Everything else is second.

Sometimes I think it’s just a matter of one foot in front of the other, over and over.

And as I’ve said in previous entries, even if only ten people were to read my books, I would still write them. I write them first for myself. I want to go as far as I can, yes. I want to continue to learn and grow, yes. But—other than these occasional days where I want to toss it all to the side—I’m mostly enjoying the journey. I don’t want to give it up.

I think it’s important to just keep showing up. Even though the outcome of showing up cannot be controlled. The one thing I can continue to do is my best. Even on the days when my best feels like a big fat failure, it’s what I can give. So I’ll keep on giving it. And I hope you will too.