Do things scared. It's almost never as bad as the hellscape you've created in your mind.

I've intentionally placed myself in several uncomfortable situations this week while internally screaming, “I am not ready!” But if you’re going to learn and grow, you’ll have to do some things before you feel ready.

Months ago I signed up for ThrillerFest, a huge writing conference in New York. I’d just joined the International Thriller Writers, I’d recently sold Ghost Tamer, it seemed like the perfect thing to do. Having never been, I called a friend and asked her what I should register for, when I should get there, etc. She said if I could swing it, I should stay in the hotel where the conference was located, get there a day early and see if I could sneak in to the early cocktail party and network, volunteer to work the conference to meet people, and try to get on a panel.

I did everything she said. I also asked my editor for advice on places to run outside while I was there. In the weeks leading up to the conference, I got my panel assignment, I got my volunteer instructions, and my editor gleefully wrote detailed instructions regarding several places I could run.

Cut to the day before I was supposed to fly out. I didn’t want to do any of it.

As is consistent with my 2023 theme, I got very ill the weekend before the conference. I lost two full days where I had expected to tie up loose ends, do research, etc. It also wore me out and put me in a position where I was scrambling to get things done at work before I left, and pack the night before.

I hate packing.

This was my first time flying anywhere since 2019. This is my first time in New York since 2007. I have never been to this particular conference before. I’ve never been on a live panel before. I’ve never had a book signing before. I’d never tried to run outside in the middle of New York City.

I stressed the entire day before the trip. I wished I hadn’t signed up. I was in a piss poor mood. I was worn out and going nonstop between work and packing. Packing took hours. (I somehow still forgot to pack a razor.) There was a problem at the American Airlines kiosk. If you wanted to check a bag, even if you had checked in online and already paid, you had to wait for an hour in line to get the ticket printed out. I weathered this and got to my gate just in time. I downloaded the Lyft app during that time. I have an aversion to ride shares and taxis, but there was no other way to get from the airport to my hotel. I stressed about this also.

My driver was more than pleasant. (This was good, since we spent 45 minutes together.) He pointed Central Park out to me as we drove in and how close it was to my hotel. Running suddenly didn’t seem so scary or impossible I checked into my hotel room and picked up my stuff at the registration table without incident. I still didn’t know much what I was doing. I hadn’t seen many people that I knew. I did some work and ventured out to a bodega to get some snacks for the room.

When I came back, I saw one of the conference cocktail parties going on. I didn’t think I was allowed, so I went to the gym and texted my friend to let me know when she got in. She texted that she’d managed to get into the party and that I should come! I left the gym, texting my anxiety the entire way about how nice people were dressed, would I be allowed, etc. But I got dressed and made myself go.

So far, it’s been my favorite night. I reconnected with some other writers I knew, met some new people. It was very chill and not over crowded. I’m so glad I didn’t miss out.

The following day, I got up early and just… ran to Central Park. I’d looked it up on the map and it was a straight shot into the park, but there were tons of little paths within. I had no idea where I was going, but decided I’d figure it out when I got there.

It was beautiful! And there were a lot of runners even at 5:45 a.m. The ‘rules’ were clearly stated, so I didn’t need to worry if I was going the wrong way, and I was able to find the reservoir where I plan to run on Saturday.

I’m excited to be traveling again. When I was young, I lived in England for a year. They had a program at the time called a Young Person’s Rail Card where one could get train tickets at a discounted rate. I wore mine out exploring.

A few times friends of mine would visit, sometimes timid about getting things wrong, and I remember being so comfortable walking up to people and asking for directions, asking if we were headed the right way, etc. (Safe people, of course: cashiers, train conductors, etc.) I don’t know where that confidence went, but I feel it starting to return.

I’m excited for all of the travel I have coming up during my release season. I’m happy I have the means to go to new places and meet new people.

And yeah, I’m a little nervous, but that’s okay too.