Why are you fine some days (hours) and a basket case the next? Let's break it down.
As many of us enter our third month of quarantine, some patterns are beginning to merge. Maybe you’re no longer day drinking or staying up until midnight for no reason, but perhaps you’re finding that although you’re trying to right yourself physically, emotionally you have no barometer. You’re not crazy and you’re not alone. Let’s walk through a few scenarios.
You still have a job and you’re not quarantined alone. Best case scenario, right? You should feel so lucky, right? Don’t be ungrateful, so many people have it worse, right? Give yourself a break, please. Chances are that unless you were already working remotely (and anyone living with you was also working/schooling from home) life has still changed drastically for you! Suddenly you have to time your Zoom meetings with your spouses so that they both don’t crash. If you have kids you have to balance their home school around your job. If you DO have a job, you’re constantly afraid of losing it. And because you don’t see your boss or coworkers on a regular basis, you may constantly have anxiety around ‘doing enough’ to keep your job. Especially if you’re watching your coworkers get cut every pay period.
You’re freelance/contract/parttime and you’ve lost some of your work, but not all of it. Well, now’s the time to work on those ‘projects for me’ that you’ve had on the back burner, right? No more running around from place to place! You still have some stable income, right? You should feel grateful, right? Let’s use this time to become better! Give yourself a break, please. Not only are you feeling all of the anxieties around your remaining job that Scenario 1 Person is feeling about their one job, but you’re also feeling additional pressure to create something new and fantastic and virtual. Just like literally everyone else in the entire world is doing at the same time. What’s worse, depending on how you were paid and how many hours you worked, etc, you may not be eligible for unemployment due to the one remaining job, regardless of your income being cut down. Or, if you are, it’s very, very complicated.
You’ve lost your job and your quarantined with someone who still has a job. Hey, at least your spouse/partner/roommate still has money coming in, right? At least the entire world is not going up in flames, right? And you can get on unemployment and try and get some of that personal stuff done. Maybe work on that novel, right? You’ll have more time to do projects around the house that you’ve been putting off, right? Maybe you can even find a new job, a better job! Give yourself a break, please. While it’s great that someone in your household is still pulling in money and thus, probably at least lending structure to the days and weeks due to their very presence, it’s going to show your situation in sharper contrast. You’re also going to be dealing with the stress of trying to get on unemployment. Going through your various expenses trying to decide what you can do with out. And you may feel like you have to be the one to do everything around the house since you don’t have a job now. Those creative projects that you’ve been waiting for time to work on? Not as fun when you feel like you have to do them, are they? Nothing is as fun under the umbrella of desperation. And you may be lucky enough to be living with a person who is supportive and amazing. That doesn’t mean that you won’t still feel guilt and anxiety.
Everyone in your house has lost their jobs. Time has no meaning! This is the longest April ever! There is no AM or PM, there is only wake and sleep, sober and drunk, pants and no pants. If you have kids, you’re trying to stay on track for them. You’re trying to get through their home schooling, you’re trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy for their sake. You’re also probably trying to put on a brave face so that they don’t catch on to how bad things are. In the meantime, you’re probably not sleeping a lot. If you don’t have kids, you’re learning a lot about the habits of the ones around you. Maybe you’ve managed to successfully file for unemployment and have decided to use this time to get incredibly fit or create viral dance videos. Maybe one of you is trying to stay on some kind of schedule and the other one is slowly descending into madness. Or worse, both of you are just leaning into all of the crutches and melding with the couch. Give everyone a break, please. Be as kind as you can to yourself and everyone that you’re living with. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with it and your bad moments will (hopefully) not come at the same time. Be there for each other when they come and know that this isn’t forever. You’re only job is to come out alive on the other side. (And try to eat a salad.)
You’re quarantined alone and you still have a job. Lucky you! You still have a job and you have the house to yourself! Everything’s going to be so clean, right? You’re going to learn to bake bread finally, right? You’re going to take so many online classes and learn to do a headstand and no one is going to recognize you when this is over because you’re going to become so awesome with all of your time! Or maybe you end up pantsless 95% of the time and binging Parks and Rec until you believe that these people on the screen are your real friends. Give yourself a break, please. If you’re lucky, you have a pet. Or a neighbor that you can chat with from a safe distance away. Virtual happy hours are great, but they’re no substitute for a good old fashioned hug. It’s okay not to become a brand new fantastic person because you have a little extra time and you still have income. You are still undergoing different job stresses, maybe a fear of losing your job, and you’ve got a lot more time inside your own head and no one around to counter any mean things you tell yourself. Even if you’re doing everything right; getting outside for some sun, having regular FaceTime calls with friends, eating healthy and exercising, taking breaks from the tragedies in the news, you are still going to have some bad moments. Forgive yourself for them.
You’re quarantined alone and you’ve lost your job. Time has no meaning. Life has no meaning. I’m going to starve. Why are we even here? You probably swing between that and: I’ve been meaning to take some time off! I wasn’t really happy there anyway. Now I can just pare down and live simply on unemployment for a while and find myself. Maybe launch my own thing! Maybe paint! Give yourself a break, please. Again, your only job is to get through this. You’ve got time on the other side to pull yourself together. Hopefully you have a pet or a neighbor or a family member or friend who calls regularly, but even with those things, this will be difficult. Have a glass of water. Be kind to yourself. Anything that you get done is a success.
I’m sorry there weren’t more pictures with this one.
Obviously there are countless scenarios out there. Everyone will experience this in a different way. The ones I’ve explored above are just the ones that I’ve either experienced myself in some way or have a close friend who I’ve talked through about it. One of the glaring omissions is the essential worker scenario. I haven’t been in that headspace and have nothing but respect, awe and admiration for those people. I’m sure there are moments when they’re happy to be doing something to help and many more moments when they wish they could be safe at home with their families. The best the rest of us can do is be respectful of their work, stay at home as much as possible and take precautions when we go out to keep them and us as healthy as we can.
This is day to day, hour to hour. I’ve had hours where I’ve been firing on all cylinders and full of tons of ideas, then, with no warning, immediately followed by hours where I can’t do anything but lay on the bed and cry for no discernible reason. I try to take advantage of the good hours and get stuff done. As much as possible, I try to make healthy choices for myself during the bad times, but I also let myself have them. As much as I hate them, don’t understand them and wish I was capable of something else.
Some people are going to suffer more, some less, but everyone is struggling to some extend. Be kind. And please, give yourself a break.