Give Yourself A Pass

This one is a little difficult for me.

In fact, I was planning on writing an entirely different blog about how I had just finished another sugar cleanse and how it was easier this time and how it really hit the reset button after all the bad habits I had developed during the pandemic.

I thought about how I would put a disclaimer in the front. About how I wasn’t judging anyone about what they did to get through the pandemic. And about how, for many of us, that trauma isn’t over, and even though the rest of the world is opening up, we would still prefer if more people got vaccines and our state were above 40% vaccinated before we went to concerts. Or maybe we’re just crowd-averse in general now. And I was going to say how all of that is okay.

And I was going to say that the pounds that you’ve gained or lost, the muscle that you’ve gained or lost, the trauma that you’ve gained or lost, the people that you’ve gained or lost, the pets that you’ve gained or lost, the homes that you’ve gained or lost… I could go on. I was going to say that all of that mattered. And is important, but that it doesn’t have to define you. And that we should give ourselves a break.

Then I was going to talk about the bad habits I had developed and how I had recognized them and how I planned to change going forward and what I was going to do to eradicate them.

Then I thought maybe I should give myself a break.

This sugar cleanse was fine. I was in a good place to receive it. I did notice that I craved certain things that I hadn’t expected. (Craisins, stop adding sugar to your damn cranberries.) And I realized that I had backed off of caffeine enough so that I didn’t get withdrawal headaches after five days. That was something I’d been striving for, so that was a great realization. However.

The day that I was allowed sugar, I wanted a glass of wine. Those beautiful bottles with their beautiful labels had been winking at me the entire 14 days. Right before I did this, I joined a wine club, something I had always wanted to do because I’ve enjoyed the nuances of tasting wine. (And let’s be real, the one bad thing about boxes is that you can’t pour your glass back into the bottle if you decide, no, actually I don’t want this additional glass.) And this one supported small farmers. It was environmental. Everything I liked. I popped open that bottle and had a glass.

At some point, I mentioned to Dean that it was late, we should go in, I had a blog to write, but the sun was beautiful and I just wanted to stay outside with him and the cats for a few more minutes and watch the sunset. I said that I wanted another glass and then immediately asked what was wrong with me. He said, “I knew you would say that.” I asked what he knew I would say. Did he know that I would want another glass? He said, “No, I knew that you would immediately judge yourself for wanting one.” He took Aang’s leash from me and said, “Get in there and get yourself another glass!”

Another thing that happened this week is that my injury got worse. My physical therapist said that I needed to stop running. I could walk, I could bike, but no more running for a bit. She’s right. I know. But I’m mad. And I’m ashamed.

I tried to do a run/walk this morning (before my therapy appointment, originally I was cleared for this) and I remember trying to do the run part and being absolutely heartbroken because I just couldn’t do it. I’ve been injured, through no fault of my own, and I just can’t run right now. And it hurts. For some reason I’m mad at my body. I shouldn’t be. Two people fell on top of my hip. I should be thankful that my body isn’t more broken. But there’s no one to blame for this, so I turn it inward. And I know I’m not the only one.

There are also some people who have been really and truly traumatized from the pandemic. Perhaps they got sick. Perhaps they lost people. Perhaps it was just a lot and now they’re being asked to remove their safeguards when, as of this writing, less than 46% of the population of the U.S. is vaccinated, and that’s hard.

Most of us are doing our best with what we’ve got. Regardless of how ‘well’ you came through last year, you still had some new things to get used to. And if you are struggling and you don’t have anyone to blame, try not to turn it on yourself. Try to be nice to you.

I had originally written a much longer entry, but I think that this is what I needed to hear right now and perhaps it’s what you need to hear too.

Be kind. Be kind to others, but don’t forget to be kind to yourself also.