Learning Your Window of Tolerance

I went out to lunch with my mom and she told the waitress I got a publishing deal. I mean, this has been a good year in some ways.

This is not the most difficult year I’ve ever had. In many ways, it’s been a fantastic year.

When I try and put things into perspective, I think about years that were for sure more difficult. The year we moved to Nashville was almost comical in how we just went from one disaster to another. However, I had my coping mechanisms. I had running and I had cheap wine. (Still gained weight that year.) On to the window of tolerance.

Everyone has a window. If you’re within your window, you’re calm, focused, you can handle things, you’re your best self. Some people have nice wide windows. Some people are dealing with things, like depression, ADHD, or a myriad of other issues—though no fault of their own—which narrows their window. It’s easier to push them off balance. If you know where the boundaries of your window are, it’s helpful. For instance, when my blood sugar plummets, I now know that I am just like those Snickers commercials. I become indecisive, moody, and irritable. Now that I am aware of this, I avoid it. (Hey, I’m glad intermittent fasting works for you, it’s not great for me.) I can also feel when it’s happening and let people know. Then anyone with me knows this is temporary and I’ll be a better, more enjoyable companion momentarily.

My husband bought me this cute little bottle of wine because it has Fairy in the title and a lot of my books are fae-based. Sadly it tasted horrible. We’ll cook with it and keep the bottle!

Because I’m not running, (definitely been six months) I’ve cut back on my calorie consumption, which includes alcohol. My physical therapist started me on a program to ease back into running almost four weeks ago and I hired a running coach to make sure I don’t overdo things again. The running that I am doing is not fun. I’m having to go so slow it irritates me. One of the things I loved about running was letting my mind go while my body just ran. I felt it was when some of my most creative ideas popped. I can’t do that right now. I have to concentrate the entire time or I’ll start going too fast and my ankle will complain.

I am trying to remember that if I do this correctly, it is a temporary situation. However, it has been a temporary situation for six months. I’ve managed to avoid weight gain, but my boobs have gotten bigger, which I cannot stand. I simply can’t burn enough calories with this ankle the way it is to keep them down. Even with cutting out everything I’ve cut. I walk during work 6 - 7 miles a day. I bike. I weight train. I’m just not getting my heart rate up. And this is going to be the case for a while. Studies show that the average full recovery for an Achilles tendon is about a year.

I’ve started recognizing when I get outside of my window of tolerance. I tend toward ‘fight’ behaviors rather than ‘flight’ behaviors (although I’ve experienced those in the past). I try to control. (If I just eat a little bit less at every meal, it will add up.) Or I try to solve problems that may not yet be issues. (I can use savings and afford a breast reduction if I need one. I’ll even be resting my ankle more.) I have read extensively about this injury and it’s recovery. I do have several fitness certifications, I used to do this for a living, so I know which articles are legit and which are random blogs. I know that the tendon must be gradually loaded in order to improve. I know that I’m not going for 0% discomfort here. I’m looking for discomfort that improves after a day off. Tenderness that is gone by morning, etc. I still freak out when a run goes badly. If I can’t do something (slow hill repeats) or have to stop because I’m afraid it’s too much. My window of tolerance is quite narrow for all things running right now.

The solutions are to learn to slow down, breathe, and self soothe. I have severely cut back on booze, which was one of my crutches. Slowing down is PISSING ME OFF right now. The best I’ve been able to manage is to keep busy and get to bed early. Sleep promotes healing. So I am fixated on healing.

I’m also learning that, because one of my coping mechanisms is causing a domino effect, my window of tolerance in general is narrower. Innocuous requests that wouldn’t have caused a blip before, and which may even have been for things I was intending to provide anyway, will irritate me if they hit me at the wrong moment. I do not have a good poker face for when I’m irritated, so this is something that I’m working on, as I’m aware that I am a bit more sensitive lately.

Cloud in a live demonstration of my internal mood.

I realize that I’ve posted about this injury a lot. I did not realize what a mental challenge it was going to be. I am trying to get curious about it and examine the way I deal with things. My hope is that when all is said and done and I get back to running (I will get back to running, I will get back to running) that this has pushed me to become a healthier, more aware version of myself.

Hopefully not a complete neurotic mess. :-)